The Abe Vigoda Canadian Thanksgiving Spectacular Megathread

[Turry Fawks]

Rideau Centre is a weird mall. My buddy Luc and I got all fucked up and were climbing trees on the roof one day, then we started wrestling in the tree and fell out. Must have fallen a good five or six feet and just kept rolling with it.

 

[Turk February]

Rideau Centre is a weird mall. My buddy Luc and I got all fucked up and were climbing trees on the roof one day, then we started wrestling in the tree and fell out. Must have fallen a good five or six feet and just kept rolling with it.

I used to go to it every day when I lived in the Market. The wife absolutely hated it but I liked it. Great place to see homeless people try to get warm.

 

[Turk February]

To our American friends, Rideau Mall is 3 blocks from Murray and Cumberland which has so many homeless and is so dangerous there are like barbed wire fences around properties. I always called it Gaza. And there's vents from the parkinglot which provide heat so in the winter you'll see like 50 homeless guys sleeping across from a fancy mall.

 

[Turry Fawks]

I was on my way to trade school one morning, waiting for a bus there by the mall. There was a loud fucking BANG. I thought it was a car crash and everyone was looking around to see what happened. Traffic kept moving so I started looking for what else it could be and I finally saw an old black man laying on the ground. He must have slipped on that one big grate and smashed his head on it on his way down.

I trot over, get down next to him and start trying to keep him calm. Didn't know if he'd fractured his skull or what so I just took my big fluffy vest off and put it around his head as best I could to keep him warm. A crowd started forming and this older lady asked me how she could help so I told her to make us some space. A drunk Injun wandered by and tried to help the old guy up and I hollered at him to fuck right off, bud.

Finally a bus driver hopped out and told me the ambulance was coming so we swapped my vest out for an emergency blanket he had and I went on my way. Hopefully the old fella was alright

 

[Turry Fawks]

This was years back so it wasn't a homeless nightmare. The vents you're talking about is where the old guy slipped. Fuck it was loud.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

I saw a guy throw a bottle of whiskey at a security guard to steal another bottle of whiskey at the Rideau once. Ottawa people are nuts.

My local LCBO some little dirtball tried to bolt out the door with a bottle of whiskey and there was a younger chick who worked the till that was legit like 6'6" at least and broad shoulders, WNBA build. She was like "FUCK YOU! NO!" booked it out after him, caught him, spun him around and threw him head first into the barricade they put across the doors when they close and broke the fucking thing, then she stood over him with her fist cocked like she was going to beat the fuck out of him for a few seconds and he scrambled away but he already dropped the bottle when she threw him lol. People were literally cheering.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

I was on my way to trade school one morning, waiting for a bus there by the mall. There was a loud fucking BANG. I thought it was a car crash and everyone was looking around to see what happened. Traffic kept moving so I started looking for what else it could be and I finally saw an old black man laying on the ground. He must have slipped on that one big grate and smashed his head on it on his way down.

I trot over, get down next to him and start trying to keep him calm. Didn't know if he'd fractured his skull or what so I just took my big fluffy vest off and put it around his head as best I could to keep him warm. A crowd started forming and this older lady asked me how she could help so I told her to make us some space. A drunk Injun wandered by and tried to help the old guy up and I hollered at him to fuck right off, bud.

Finally a bus driver hopped out and told me the ambulance was coming so we swapped my vest out for an emergency blanket he had and I went on my way. Hopefully the old fella was alright

Good man, Turry.

 

[Turry Fawks]

Good man, Turry.

I'm not very nice in the traditional sense of the word but if I see somebody get fucked up I don't hesitate.

 

[Turry Fawks]

The fucked up thing is that I was about fifty feet away, it was the morning rush and I was still the first person to get to him. There were probably fifty people who were closer but Ottawa is a city of FAGGOTS. I was walking through the downtown core one day and this old native guy with one leg dropped his bag of smokes. It's always windy as hell down there so the bag starts fucking off into traffic and this young guy in a suit literally steps over the old guy as he's reaching for his smokes. I caught the bag before it got run over, gave it back to the old fella and then followed the other guy to the next crosswalk and called him a fucking loser.

 

[Turry Fawks]

Honestly I'd rather hang out in a shithole small town than see Ottawa again. Everyone is such a fucking phony there.

 

[Turk February]

Honestly I'd rather hang out in a shithole small town than see Ottawa again. Everyone is such a fucking phony there.

I love it for the same reason you hate it.

 

[Turk February]

My issue with Ottawa is it's probably the uncoolest major city in the world. There's no good original music there. The drugs suck. People don't party. After you see the museums you're just bored.

 

[Turry Fawks]

My issue with Ottawa is it's probably the uncoolest major city in the world. There's no good original music there. The drugs suck. People don't party. After you see the museums you're just bored.

But there's cats at parliament! And they do the 4/20 right on the lawn! Isn't that quirky?! YUUUUUCCCKKK

 

[Turk February]

But there's cats at parliament! And they do the 4/20 right on the lawn! Isn't that quirky?! YUUUUUCCCKKK

Parliaments been closed for like 7 years for renovations. All that shit takes place on Spark Street.

 

[Turry Fawks]

They should renovate it with a toe trigger attachment

 

[Turk February]

I just remember someone proudly announcing that parliament may reopen in 2030. I'm like what the fuck are you people doing? It's a building. Why are we as a people so fucking lazy?

 

[Turry Fawks]

I just remember someone proudly announcing that parliament may reopen in 2030. I'm like what the fuck are you people doing? It's a building. Why are we as a people so fucking lazy?

It's a way to burn another $100 million

 

[Turk February]

It's a way to burn another $100 million

I think you're low balling it. The other weird thing is the library at the back of the building is still open. It's the only part you're allowed to enter. Like. Wouldn't that be the first part you'd renovate? It's super trippy. They do 3D shows there that give you motion sickness.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

Honestly I'd rather hang out in a shithole small town than see Ottawa again. Everyone is such a fucking phony there.

I'd rather never set foot into any city ever again. The last time I was in Toronto I was with my dad, who is crippled and has a hard time keeping his balance anymore and he uses a walker so it's fucking obvious. We had to go into some giant mall and he was too cool to use a scooter so the whole time I was basically like his bodyguard because people just fucking walk directly into you and act like you got in their way. J was just the plow on the front of his walker. I was chest bumping and shoulder checking men and women. Whenever I'd be like "I can't even believe these fucking people" my dad was like "don't lose your shit" because he could tell I was about to snap on someone.

I did have a few people call me an asshole or whatever but nobody did anything until I put some gangly paki into a wall and made him drop his phone. He came storming back up and got in front of me huffing and puffing. Before anyone said anything my dad started laughing and was like "uh oh." I was just like "I'll fucking kill you." completely dead-faced. He was still giving me the Private Pyle face and breathing all heavy and his buddy started pulling him away and I was like "you can get it too, pussy" for no reason and that guy apologized to me lol. As we were walking away I was just like "good for you keeping your bitch on a leash like that" and he had to hold the gangly guy back again.

 

[Turk February]

I'd rather never set foot into any city ever again. The last time I was in Toronto I was with my dad, who is crippled and has a hard time keeping his balance anymore and he uses a walker so it's fucking obvious. We had to go into some giant mall and he was too cool to use a scooter so the whole time I was basically like his bodyguard because people just fucking walk directly into you and act like you got in their way. J was just the plow on the front of his walker. I was chest bumping and shoulder checking men and women. Whenever I'd be like "I can't even believe these fucking people" my dad was like "don't lose your shit" because he could tell I was about to snap on someone.

I did have a few people call me an asshole or whatever but nobody did anything until I put some gangly paki into a wall and made him drop his phone. He came storming back up and got in front of me huffing and puffing. Before anyone said anything my dad started laughing and was like "uh oh." I was just like "I'll fucking kill you." completely dead-faced. He was still giving me the Private Pyle face and breathing all heavy and his buddy started pulling him away and I was like "you can get it too, pussy" for no reason and that guy apologized to me lol. As we were walking away I was just like "good for you keeping your bitch on a leash like that" and he had to hold the gangly guy back again.

What I love about Toronto is it's impossible to have a minute of rest there. Everything is crowded and under construction. Everyone's a fucking asshole, even gay guys on bicycles threaten to beat me up. I might move back there.