- Forum Clout
- 78,152
In the Great White North, in a moderately priced home, purchased at the right time in order to garner good equity, an Italian man sits in his recliner. The house is empty and quiet. This causes many issues with Italian people. The biggest problem being that there is no one to yell about trivial things with.
The lack of fighting stirs the Italian man to get up, and go to his computer.
“Ya gotta do thomething Tony. You can’t jutht thit here and do nothin’ like a fuckin’ nigger. The wife and kidth are gone. Maybe I should pound it to some Mia Sara. That wath a fine piece of ass back in the day. From fuckin Brooklyn before the moolieth fucking ruined it too. Yeah leth look up some thexy thenes she’s in…..no Tony. You can’t be thome faggot millennial jerkin your pud to thome bimbo from da past. You gotta do thomething productive.” Tony thinks to himself as he rubs his chest hair that’s protruding out of his Guinea shirt.
Tony jumps on one of his many texting apps. One would normally think being in the business he’s in, this would make sense. However, Tony’s usage of these apps is much more sinister.
“Leth thee what Fatrick ith up to today. ‘H…e…t’ God fucking damnit fuck thith thing. ‘Backspathe…y F…a…r’ Thith fuckin thing mutht be broken. Junior wath probably fucking with it. I’ll have to yell at him when he geth back.”
Tony continues to write a borderline illegible message to a man named “Fatrick”. He has been texting this man for years, for the enjoyment of truckers and Panera bread workers. Tony seems to “get” Fatrick better than anyone. Seemingly because they are similar, yet so different.
“Now that thaths done, ith time to thee what they’re up to on the board. ‘O….n…..S’ Fuckin shit don’t work. God damn fuckin millennialth are tho God damn fuckin lazy it ruinth it for the retht of uth.”
Tony slowly types in the web address of “The board”. It is a website dedicated to a long defunct radio show hosted by a well endowed viking, a vampire who’s face resembles the moon, and a Clitellata who happens to be obsessed with big meaty clits. Here, Tony truly feels at home. It’s like he’s right there, eating his mudda’s pasta wit her homemade gravy. No one does it better than her.
“What are thethe faggoth up to today? Hmm…. whoth replied to my thread? People are fuckin lovin it Tony. Another thuccthethful…..wait a thecond. Whoth thith faggot. ‘FaggotBonerNiggerFart’? I’ve never theen this guy before. Fuck thith guy. He needth to be told how ith done around here.”
Tony proceeds to put on his $20 Logitech microphone. He activates his text to speech and begins his response to “FaggotBonerNiggerFart”:
“Lithen faggot. Maybe if you hit the gym and actually worked out your writht wouldn’t be so weak. Thpending all day pud tuggin ain’t going to help it. Now read carefully, you might learn thomething about property value. All of my propertieth can be used to leverage for cath. You faggot millennialth only know how to thpend $10 at thtarbuckth every day and complain about not getting enough free thit. You and Rick are the thame fucking thing. Neither of you know how to inveth properly. Thtop being a nigger, and fuckin do thomething with yourthelf. Then you can thay thomething about my posth about Rick.”
Tony sits back and laughs. He seems satisfied with his response. He continues to peruse the board for any new posts about Rick. Then he gets a notification that FaggotBonerNiggerFarts responded to his post. He clicks it waiting to see the faggot millennial pander in fear. The response reads: “No one cares, Boomia. Your kids are fat.”
Boomia throws his headset against the wall. It shatters into molecules. How could he not show some fucking respect to him? These faggot millennials have no understanding how this thing of theirs works. Boomia pulls out his backup $20 Logitech headphones and fires up the text to speech.
The rant takes about 5 minutes to complete. Boomia assures FaggotBonerNiggerFarts that he could crush him with one arm. That if they ever met he would be grabbed by his weak wrists and thrown down a flight of concrete stairs. He then reminded him of his athletic accomplishments from high school. Once Boomia is positive FBNF won’t talk out of line again, he takes off his headset.
“Thath good for now, Tony. I’m thure Rick hath rethponded by now.”
Boomia looks at his app, and it is still only the blue text he sent. This is perplexing to Boomia. Rick always takes the bait. He starts to formulate a new plan of attack. He’ll text Rick about his brother being a true athlete this time. He begins typing again.
“‘H…e….y R…i…v’ Fuckin chinkth made thith for their fingerth. Bunch of small handed faggoth. Even the fuckin jungle bunnieth got better food than them.”
Boomia spends the next 5 minutes bombarding Rick with texts. No responses come in. Boomia slicks back the remainders of his hair, and scratches his chest hairs.
“Well what the fuck. Whath thith guyth fuckin problem? He mutht be hung over. Ith almost 12’oclock. I gueth I thould probably get thomething to eat.”
As Boomia looks at his screen covered in blue, he looks out and gazes at the diamond covered landscape. He has a revelation.
“Fuck going out. I’ll jutht order thome White Cathle.”
The lack of fighting stirs the Italian man to get up, and go to his computer.
“Ya gotta do thomething Tony. You can’t jutht thit here and do nothin’ like a fuckin’ nigger. The wife and kidth are gone. Maybe I should pound it to some Mia Sara. That wath a fine piece of ass back in the day. From fuckin Brooklyn before the moolieth fucking ruined it too. Yeah leth look up some thexy thenes she’s in…..no Tony. You can’t be thome faggot millennial jerkin your pud to thome bimbo from da past. You gotta do thomething productive.” Tony thinks to himself as he rubs his chest hair that’s protruding out of his Guinea shirt.
Tony jumps on one of his many texting apps. One would normally think being in the business he’s in, this would make sense. However, Tony’s usage of these apps is much more sinister.
“Leth thee what Fatrick ith up to today. ‘H…e…t’ God fucking damnit fuck thith thing. ‘Backspathe…y F…a…r’ Thith fuckin thing mutht be broken. Junior wath probably fucking with it. I’ll have to yell at him when he geth back.”
Tony continues to write a borderline illegible message to a man named “Fatrick”. He has been texting this man for years, for the enjoyment of truckers and Panera bread workers. Tony seems to “get” Fatrick better than anyone. Seemingly because they are similar, yet so different.
“Now that thaths done, ith time to thee what they’re up to on the board. ‘O….n…..S’ Fuckin shit don’t work. God damn fuckin millennialth are tho God damn fuckin lazy it ruinth it for the retht of uth.”
Tony slowly types in the web address of “The board”. It is a website dedicated to a long defunct radio show hosted by a well endowed viking, a vampire who’s face resembles the moon, and a Clitellata who happens to be obsessed with big meaty clits. Here, Tony truly feels at home. It’s like he’s right there, eating his mudda’s pasta wit her homemade gravy. No one does it better than her.
“What are thethe faggoth up to today? Hmm…. whoth replied to my thread? People are fuckin lovin it Tony. Another thuccthethful…..wait a thecond. Whoth thith faggot. ‘FaggotBonerNiggerFart’? I’ve never theen this guy before. Fuck thith guy. He needth to be told how ith done around here.”
Tony proceeds to put on his $20 Logitech microphone. He activates his text to speech and begins his response to “FaggotBonerNiggerFart”:
“Lithen faggot. Maybe if you hit the gym and actually worked out your writht wouldn’t be so weak. Thpending all day pud tuggin ain’t going to help it. Now read carefully, you might learn thomething about property value. All of my propertieth can be used to leverage for cath. You faggot millennialth only know how to thpend $10 at thtarbuckth every day and complain about not getting enough free thit. You and Rick are the thame fucking thing. Neither of you know how to inveth properly. Thtop being a nigger, and fuckin do thomething with yourthelf. Then you can thay thomething about my posth about Rick.”
Tony sits back and laughs. He seems satisfied with his response. He continues to peruse the board for any new posts about Rick. Then he gets a notification that FaggotBonerNiggerFarts responded to his post. He clicks it waiting to see the faggot millennial pander in fear. The response reads: “No one cares, Boomia. Your kids are fat.”
Boomia throws his headset against the wall. It shatters into molecules. How could he not show some fucking respect to him? These faggot millennials have no understanding how this thing of theirs works. Boomia pulls out his backup $20 Logitech headphones and fires up the text to speech.
The rant takes about 5 minutes to complete. Boomia assures FaggotBonerNiggerFarts that he could crush him with one arm. That if they ever met he would be grabbed by his weak wrists and thrown down a flight of concrete stairs. He then reminded him of his athletic accomplishments from high school. Once Boomia is positive FBNF won’t talk out of line again, he takes off his headset.
“Thath good for now, Tony. I’m thure Rick hath rethponded by now.”
Boomia looks at his app, and it is still only the blue text he sent. This is perplexing to Boomia. Rick always takes the bait. He starts to formulate a new plan of attack. He’ll text Rick about his brother being a true athlete this time. He begins typing again.
“‘H…e….y R…i…v’ Fuckin chinkth made thith for their fingerth. Bunch of small handed faggoth. Even the fuckin jungle bunnieth got better food than them.”
Boomia spends the next 5 minutes bombarding Rick with texts. No responses come in. Boomia slicks back the remainders of his hair, and scratches his chest hairs.
“Well what the fuck. Whath thith guyth fuckin problem? He mutht be hung over. Ith almost 12’oclock. I gueth I thould probably get thomething to eat.”
As Boomia looks at his screen covered in blue, he looks out and gazes at the diamond covered landscape. He has a revelation.
“Fuck going out. I’ll jutht order thome White Cathle.”
lol it's so funny to me because honestly it's probably not too far from the truth! Friggin 'Catcher in the Pie" over here! Haha
