That's for the second draft

[Gimli Son Of Gloin]

I’m sure he thought he was being very smart, but origami cranes don’t really unfold. He may as well say she unfolded like a paper airplane.

She unfolded like a terrorist plot to fly 747s into the World Trade Center

 

[Gimli Son Of Gloin]

If I were to ever read this piece of shit, I'd assume the author is a pedophile.

Fatting himself on the back for almost not fucking a child

WHY DOES SHE SPEAK BROKEN ENGRISH??

 

[DominusOdium]

Enjoy this masterpiece of racist child pornography for yourself.

"And young. So young."

You no like me?
I in trouble?

Jesus Christ. Did she have big buck teeth and a sexy little rice paddy hat on too? This is weird white liberal fantasy shit and you know he wrote it with faucet in hand.

Also goddamn does he stink at writing. Every single sentence has a fucking hacky adjective adverb. He fought mightily. She looked uncomprehendingly.

 

[Farmer Brown]

You no like me?
I in trouble?

Jesus Christ. Did she have big buck teeth and a sexy little rice paddy hat on too? This is weird white liberal fantasy shit and you know he wrote it with faucet in hand.

Also goddamn does he stink at writing. Every single sentence has a fucking hacky adjective. He fought mightily. She looked uncomprehendingly.

It's not the adjectives. That's fine. It's adverbs. Fucking adverbs should never be used. It sounds like porno writing and other pulp fiction. Find a descriptive verb and knock it off with the adverbs.

 

[DominusOdium]

I meant adverbs and am just a retard not paying attention to what I wrote. Yes it's the cringe adverbs to which I referred. Everything is done whatever-ly

It's not the adjectives. That's fine. It's adverbs. Fucking adverbs should never be used. It sounds like porno writing and other pulp fiction. Find a descriptive verb and knock it off with the adverbs.

 

[BakersfieldChimp]

Also like Eric, he’ll respond to any sort of engagement on Twitter lol.

DUMB FUCK, I AM NOT MEDICALLY OBESE

Someone should tell him he's the same age as his parents. He'll have to correcT the record.

 

[Riccardo Bosi]

It's not the adjectives. That's fine. It's adverbs. Fucking adverbs should never be used. It sounds like porno writing and other pulp fiction. Find a descriptive verb and knock it off with the adverbs.

You no like me?
I in trouble?

Jesus Christ. Did she have big buck teeth and a sexy little rice paddy hat on too? This is weird white liberal fantasy shit and you know he wrote it with faucet in hand.

Also goddamn does he stink at writing. Every single sentence has a fucking hacky adjective adverb. He fought mightily. She looked uncomprehendingly.

The author sexily had intercourse with a child who acted youthfully.

 

[TorqueWheeler]

I think Pat's biggest crime from a writing perspective is his constant overuse of bizarre similes. "His huge, faucet shaped penis strained at his pants like two Blorks carrying a space elephant up a flight of space stairs." He is remarkably terrible.