Horrible shit you did at work

[guest]

I'm at work right now and I'm not working

 

[guest]

This one place I worked had 2 buildings at a complex, and there was no telling which building you'd need to be at on any given day. I would wake up, call both buildings main lines and tell them that I was busy at the other building and not to call. Then I would just go to the gym. At the end of the day I'd go to both offices in both buildings acting like I was pissed off from working too much so nobody would question me. I did this for 2 years.

You're like a black George Costanza.

 

[DMAN]

You're like a black George Costanza.

It ain't lying if you be believing it.

 

[satanssockpuppet]

Same job I mentioned before, wasn't just about me, but I was involved. I was working with this guy, driving around in a dump truck, presumably filling potholes on mostly rural county roads. We wanted some coke, so he went to his girlfriend's house and told me to just wait in the truck. About fifteen minutes later he comes sprinting back to the truck and we take off, with an eight-ball he just stole from her stash. So we were doing lines and whatever, and he decided to see his other GF, who had an amazing body but a truly butt-ugly face. He comes out, and we start driving, with her following us. We stopped on the side of the road next to a big strawberry farm, and she parked behind us. He told me he was taking her out into the strawberry patch to fuck her, and to not do the rest of the coke.

So they vanish into the strawberry field, and maybe fifteen minutes later our foreman pulls up behind us in his pickup truck. I stash the blow under the seat, he comes over and asks "where the fuck is Johnny?". I stammered and stalled, then here comes Johnny, limping along with his ugly GF behind him. She runs to her car and leaves. The boss is all perplexed, and Johnny tells him that his GF wanted him to fuck her in a strawberry patch, but she didn't take her panties off and just pulled them to the side, resulting in a horrible cock burn. Then he said he was a sex addict and needed help. And they actually sent him to sex rehab, with pay. No one believes this story but I swear, it happened.

 

[Smeckler's Powder]

Working at Wal Mart in Las Vegas pushing carts I used to go punch in and then go back to my car and catch some sleep and discover a little thing on the radio called THE OPIE AND ANTHONY SHOW. They were on the same station as Carolla and I stumbled upon comedians voices I recognized and kept listening til they took it off of our affiliate. Used to order chicken wings from the counter and take them to the break room and eat them. Developed film and didn't pay for it. Nothing too crazy. What is fucked up is I napped in my car listening to the radio shitloads of times and never got caught, then after we got a new manager he comes out prowling around and fires me for him not being able to find me on the camera when ironically I was actually working. I called the manager above him a dipshit and that was that.

Next job was waiting tables at Red Robin. I was 20 years old and had never really drank by that point. The bartender asks me one day if I want a drink and I'm like "really? what?" and he's like "I'll make you something.." which turned into him and I being wasted all the time. He'd fill up the kids cups with cocktails and we would have them stashed on the POS counters. He'd fill the vodka bottles back up half way with water. I was actually way better doing that job tanked. Bartender showed me how to double drop checks which was awesome. Eventually they decided to close that location and relocated all of us to the other 3 in town.
The next one was going okay for awhile, wasn't making as much as before but the manager was this really nice little old lady that thought I was great and made it comfortable. There wasn't any opportunity to steal booze, but there was this one dude that had that job as his second job even though he made great money at a casino, purely so he had somehwere to drink, since he was not allowed to on account of his wife. So he brought Jager every day and would give me some, so still managed to get drunk frequenly. He would also tell me to go stand by his tables and say to them "good evening cuntrags my names Glenn Ill be taking care of you..." and no one EVER noticed him calling them cunt rags. It was like 100 times.
Sure enough, the awesome manager lady leaves and we get some awful bitch managers. They play favorites with the whores that work there, my hours get shit even though I'm a great employee and never fucked any thing up and had been working there awhile by then. I'm making way less money, and this one particular niggercunt made it especially fucked up. I decided to start causing all sorts of chaos around the place. I start stealing huge packs of steak slider pattys, big packs of burger pattys. Fucking anything. Everyone knew too. One time I through what they called "the line check book," like the big main manager binder, in the trash and when the dumb bitch manager lady figured out it was gone she lost it. The booze was in a cage in the back by where you clocked in. I figured out one time to open a bottle through the cage and tip the neck out to dump some out. Eventually when they went to get it out of the cage one manager didn't realize it was open at first, set it down somewhere and thought someone had done it that night and lost it on everyone and I wasn't even there.
I used to draw the alien on the back of the dollar bill on every single one of them that I fed into the machine and would write shit all over them.
Eventually they fire me with nothing concrete to stick on me, they just say "your values no longer align with Red Robins" or some gay shit. Got on unemployment which was great for awhile.

One day I wake up at my buddies where I'm staying and go to run some errands, bank etc. I find two pills in my car. I ask if they're his or if he knows what they are. Says he doesn't. Maybe they were his daughters? Either way I eat one and decide to pop over to the nearby casino to drink loads of whiskey. The bartender guy knows Brian Jonestown Massacre so starts dumping gallons down my head.
I'm super fucked up and this chick that still works at RR calls looking for shrooms. I make some calls, find some for her through my buddies daughters friend. We go get them and then go to meet her at RR to give them to her(I ate some of those on the way there too). I decide to give the whole restaurant some entertainment and walk right in the side door and up to a family eating, grab the dads glass and yell to the whole restaurant "hey, anybody wanna see something funny?" and I smash the glass on the floor. Then I go lick this one chick on the face all Rick James style. The manager there starts yelling at her to get me out of the store, since he knew we were friendly. I was like "I'm no going ANYWHERE til I get a Coke! So he's like "give him a coke" and she does and I immediately get a mouth full of it and spit it all over her. I am ushered out the side door and pound on all the windows on the way back to the car flipping off the restaurant and screaming. I only remember bits of all this, a lot was filled in by the viewers.
I wake up the next day on my buddies couch, hands seizing up from booze, total alcohol poisoning. Hadn't eaten in two days during all this. Start puking on his floor as I couldn't move to get to the bathroom. I'm wretching ofg the side of the couch for hours til he wakes up and starts coming down the hallway and I gotta yell at him not to come, on account of his whole floor is covered in a lake of puke all over the living room.

Good times.

 

[DrTorqueCarlisi]

I know this guy who saved up all his vacation time and then decided to use them at the end of his contract by saying "I will be off on Mondays for the foreseeable future." Yeeees.

Brilliant! What could go wrong?

I had this really great gig long ago where I archived videos for the company. They were too dumb to realize the implications of me doing it all on my own personal website though. So I did it on company time, got all the online ad revenue, and they later had to pay me again to get all their videos back. I didn't even take off my shitty oversized watermarks for them. It's hot down here.

 

[Dog Eater]

One time I through what they called "the line check book," like the big main manager binder, in the trash

Brilliant

 

[FranksWirecutters]

Worked at McDonald's. Used to piss in the freezer all over the boxes of meat. Fucked a chick on a sink in the changeroom and broke it off the wall.

Dumped 200 gallons of hydraulic oil on the ground in BLM. Just kicked dirt over it.

Figured out a loophole in the purchasing system at one job and over spent a department's budget by 750k in 3 months because nobody was paying attention to their cost centers. Got the manager fired for it because he annoyed me. Probably half of that is still unaccounted for.

I've gotten 5 or 6 managers fired because they annoyed me. It's easy to do if you play the HR/ethics system against them.

Fucked a fat chick on the conference table.

 

[guest]

Working at Wal Mart in Las Vegas pushing carts I used to go punch in and then go back to my car and catch some sleep and discover a little thing on the radio called THE OPIE AND ANTHONY SHOW. They were on the same station as Carolla and I stumbled upon comedians voices I recognized and kept listening til they took it off of our affiliate. Used to order chicken wings from the counter and take them to the break room and eat them. Developed film and didn't pay for it. Nothing too crazy. What is fucked up is I napped in my car listening to the radio shitloads of times and never got caught, then after we got a new manager he comes out prowling around and fires me for him not being able to find me on the camera when ironically I was actually working. I called the manager above him a dipshit and that was that.

Next job was waiting tables at Red Robin. I was 20 years old and had never really drank by that point. The bartender asks me one day if I want a drink and I'm like "really? what?" and he's like "I'll make you something.." which turned into him and I being wasted all the time. He'd fill up the kids cups with cocktails and we would have them stashed on the POS counters. He'd fill the vodka bottles back up half way with water. I was actually way better doing that job tanked. Bartender showed me how to double drop checks which was awesome. Eventually they decided to close that location and relocated all of us to the other 3 in town.
The next one was going okay for awhile, wasn't making as much as before but the manager was this really nice little old lady that thought I was great and made it comfortable. There wasn't any opportunity to steal booze, but there was this one dude that had that job as his second job even though he made great money at a casino, purely so he had somehwere to drink, since he was not allowed to on account of his wife. So he brought Jager every day and would give me some, so still managed to get drunk frequenly. He would also tell me to go stand by his tables and say to them "good evening cuntrags my names Glenn Ill be taking care of you..." and no one EVER noticed him calling them cunt rags. It was like 100 times.
Sure enough, the awesome manager lady leaves and we get some awful bitch managers. They play favorites with the whores that work there, my hours get shit even though I'm a great employee and never fucked any thing up and had been working there awhile by then. I'm making way less money, and this one particular niggercunt made it especially fucked up. I decided to start causing all sorts of chaos around the place. I start stealing huge packs of steak slider pattys, big packs of burger pattys. Fucking anything. Everyone knew too. One time I through what they called "the line check book," like the big main manager binder, in the trash and when the dumb bitch manager lady figured out it was gone she lost it. The booze was in a cage in the back by where you clocked in. I figured out one time to open a bottle through the cage and tip the neck out to dump some out. Eventually when they went to get it out of the cage one manager didn't realize it was open at first, set it down somewhere and thought someone had done it that night and lost it on everyone and I wasn't even there.
I used to draw the alien on the back of the dollar bill on every single one of them that I fed into the machine and would write shit all over them.
Eventually they fire me with nothing concrete to stick on me, they just say "your values no longer align with Red Robins" or some gay shit. Got on unemployment which was great for awhile.

One day I wake up at my buddies where I'm staying and go to run some errands, bank etc. I find two pills in my car. I ask if they're his or if he knows what they are. Says he doesn't. Maybe they were his daughters? Either way I eat one and decide to pop over to the nearby casino to drink loads of whiskey. The bartender guy knows Brian Jonestown Massacre so starts dumping gallons down my head.
I'm super fucked up and this chick that still works at RR calls looking for shrooms. I make some calls, find some for her through my buddies daughters friend. We go get them and then go to meet her at RR to give them to her(I ate some of those on the way there too). I decide to give the whole restaurant some entertainment and walk right in the side door and up to a family eating, grab the dads glass and yell to the whole restaurant "hey, anybody wanna see something funny?" and I smash the glass on the floor. Then I go lick this one chick on the face all Rick James style. The manager there starts yelling at her to get me out of the store, since he knew we were friendly. I was like "I'm no going ANYWHERE til I get a Coke! So he's like "give him a coke" and she does and I immediately get a mouth full of it and spit it all over her. I am ushered out the side door and pound on all the windows on the way back to the car flipping off the restaurant and screaming. I only remember bits of all this, a lot was filled in by the viewers.
I wake up the next day on my buddies couch, hands seizing up from booze, total alcohol poisoning. Hadn't eaten in two days during all this. Start puking on his floor as I couldn't move to get to the bathroom. I'm wretching ofg the side of the couch for hours til he wakes up and starts coming down the hallway and I gotta yell at him not to come, on account of his whole floor is covered in a lake of puke all over the living room.

Good times.

This is the kind of shit that keeps me coming here. I woke up with the flu and a high fever so, at first, misread that you had taken the guy's glasses off and smashed them on the floor, which would have been even funnier, but would doubtless have led to your arrest.

 

[RoSmokedCrack]

I'm making it a habit of mine to blast the bathroom stalls with piss every time I go. Great fun. The toilet rolls left at the side get soaked right through. I leave the seat and the handle dripping each time. Fuck 'em. I'll even mention it to others as if somebody else is doing it. A Pole is currently under suspicion as the culprit. I'll kick a toilet roll down there every now and again too and leave it to soak.

 

[Smeckler's Powder]

I'm making it a habit of mine to blast the bathroom stalls with piss every time I go. Great fun. The toilet rolls left at the side get soaked right through. I leave the seat and the handle dripping each time. Fuck 'em. I'll even mention it to others as if somebody else is doing it. A Pole is currently under suspicion as the culprit. I'll kick a toilet roll down there every now and again too and leave it to soak.

What line of work you in brotherman?

 

[not that Jack Horner]

sex with co workers and customers

made shit difficult for erryone

besides that i was a model employee

 

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

Working at Wal Mart in Las Vegas pushing carts I used to go punch in and then go back to my car and catch some sleep and discover a little thing on the radio called THE OPIE AND ANTHONY SHOW. They were on the same station as Carolla and I stumbled upon comedians voices I recognized and kept listening til they took it off of our affiliate. Used to order chicken wings from the counter and take them to the break room and eat them. Developed film and didn't pay for it. Nothing too crazy. What is fucked up is I napped in my car listening to the radio shitloads of times and never got caught, then after we got a new manager he comes out prowling around and fires me for him not being able to find me on the camera when ironically I was actually working. I called the manager above him a dipshit and that was that.

Next job was waiting tables at Red Robin. I was 20 years old and had never really drank by that point. The bartender asks me one day if I want a drink and I'm like "really? what?" and he's like "I'll make you something.." which turned into him and I being wasted all the time. He'd fill up the kids cups with cocktails and we would have them stashed on the POS counters. He'd fill the vodka bottles back up half way with water. I was actually way better doing that job tanked. Bartender showed me how to double drop checks which was awesome. Eventually they decided to close that location and relocated all of us to the other 3 in town.
The next one was going okay for awhile, wasn't making as much as before but the manager was this really nice little old lady that thought I was great and made it comfortable. There wasn't any opportunity to steal booze, but there was this one dude that had that job as his second job even though he made great money at a casino, purely so he had somehwere to drink, since he was not allowed to on account of his wife. So he brought Jager every day and would give me some, so still managed to get drunk frequenly. He would also tell me to go stand by his tables and say to them "good evening cuntrags my names Glenn Ill be taking care of you..." and no one EVER noticed him calling them cunt rags. It was like 100 times.
Sure enough, the awesome manager lady leaves and we get some awful bitch managers. They play favorites with the whores that work there, my hours get shit even though I'm a great employee and never fucked any thing up and had been working there awhile by then. I'm making way less money, and this one particular niggercunt made it especially fucked up. I decided to start causing all sorts of chaos around the place. I start stealing huge packs of steak slider pattys, big packs of burger pattys. Fucking anything. Everyone knew too. One time I through what they called "the line check book," like the big main manager binder, in the trash and when the dumb bitch manager lady figured out it was gone she lost it. The booze was in a cage in the back by where you clocked in. I figured out one time to open a bottle through the cage and tip the neck out to dump some out. Eventually when they went to get it out of the cage one manager didn't realize it was open at first, set it down somewhere and thought someone had done it that night and lost it on everyone and I wasn't even there.
I used to draw the alien on the back of the dollar bill on every single one of them that I fed into the machine and would write shit all over them.
Eventually they fire me with nothing concrete to stick on me, they just say "your values no longer align with Red Robins" or some gay shit. Got on unemployment which was great for awhile.

One day I wake up at my buddies where I'm staying and go to run some errands, bank etc. I find two pills in my car. I ask if they're his or if he knows what they are. Says he doesn't. Maybe they were his daughters? Either way I eat one and decide to pop over to the nearby casino to drink loads of whiskey. The bartender guy knows Brian Jonestown Massacre so starts dumping gallons down my head.
I'm super fucked up and this chick that still works at RR calls looking for shrooms. I make some calls, find some for her through my buddies daughters friend. We go get them and then go to meet her at RR to give them to her(I ate some of those on the way there too). I decide to give the whole restaurant some entertainment and walk right in the side door and up to a family eating, grab the dads glass and yell to the whole restaurant "hey, anybody wanna see something funny?" and I smash the glass on the floor. Then I go lick this one chick on the face all Rick James style. The manager there starts yelling at her to get me out of the store, since he knew we were friendly. I was like "I'm no going ANYWHERE til I get a Coke! So he's like "give him a coke" and she does and I immediately get a mouth full of it and spit it all over her. I am ushered out the side door and pound on all the windows on the way back to the car flipping off the restaurant and screaming. I only remember bits of all this, a lot was filled in by the viewers.
I wake up the next day on my buddies couch, hands seizing up from booze, total alcohol poisoning. Hadn't eaten in two days during all this. Start puking on his floor as I couldn't move to get to the bathroom. I'm wretching ofg the side of the couch for hours til he wakes up and starts coming down the hallway and I gotta yell at him not to come, on account of his whole floor is covered in a lake of puke all over the living room.

Good times.

What does double drop a check mean?

 

[Mitch Weaver]

sex with co workers and customers

made shit difficult for erryone

besides that i was a model employee

I could’ve been a fawkin model employee too brothaman

 

[Smeckler's Powder]

What does double drop a check mean?

Probably not easy anymore, but if you've got two tables(or god love you more) ordering the same shit and the first one pays cash, you can give them back their change without cashing it out and then drop the same check at the next (and if possible again and again) til someone pays with a card and shuts that down. You've pocketed however much cash each tables check was.