Embarrassing Stories Thread

[Will Tate]

Geez, where to start?
There was the time in elementary school were my friends and I decided to slide down a dirt hill on the walk to school, the seat of my pants got muddy and everyone thought I shit myself.
There was the time in high school when some shitdick freshman started a rumor he'd caught me jerking off in in the bathroom section of the boys' locker room when I was taking a piss after track practice.
There was that time after I joined the r/opieandanthony subreddit right after Ant was fired, and after 8 years of degenerate hilarity and URL-hopping, my life has come to a point where my favorite medium of entertainment is shit-talking a fat failure from Milwaukee, and the unknown reprobates who join me in this venture are the closest I have to a circle of good friends.
There was that time in college this chick in a couple of my classes invited me up to her dorm room to "show me the view" and I was too hung up on my ex-girlfriend to see the fucking hint. (If I ever get access to time travel 18-year-old Will is getting a bitch slap from older him for that one.)
There was that time I gambled and lost on a fart on my way into a quarterly "State of the Union"-type meeting with my manager and the rest of my team at work. Did all the damage control I could, but if no one else picked up on it, I still knew.
I don't have "most embarrassing" moments so much as I have "most recently embarrassing."

 

['THE NIGGER MAN']

If I'd been caught hanging off the front bumper of a school bus in the school parking lot spraying diarrhea at 5 am that would have been embarrassing.

Also ate at a roadside place in Mexico (no electricity - right?), felt the shits coming, sweating and eating immodiums. Passed this literal shithouse and made the kid driving stop. "You can go here" piss on side of the road, kid says and I'm like no, el baño. No paper or toilet seat, flush with a bucket from a spigot outside and had to dig through luggage for a sock to wipe with. Put my 5? peso coin in the tube and back to civilization.

 

[guest]

I had a group of friends where we would sit in this 1 friend's garage and do drugs etc. The friend who owned the place had 1 rule, nobody can use his bathroom. He had a hang up about that. If you wanna piss, piss in the yard. If you wanna shit, go home and use your own toilet.

Anyway, one night I got really fucking wasted, too drunk to drive so just slept in his garage. I woke up with this need to have a shit from too much alcohol. I knew he had the dont use his bathroom rule, but I thought fuck it, it's 1 AM, hes asleep inside somewhere, he wont know.

So I go inside his house but ive never been inside before. He has a family and they dont like his stoner friends in the house. Its pitch black, Im still a bit drunk and trying to find the bathroom.

Then I start shitting myself. Im lost in his pitch black house and I am shitting everywhere, all over his floors, walking around bumping into things. A male voice (his brother or something) gets woken up and asks whos there and I say Im trying to find the bathroom. He turns on the bathroom light and I go inside. I leave a trail of shit but I clean up the mess in the bathroom at least.

I leave and drive home and never contact him again. He has never contacted me either.

 

[JoeBrotheChildSpitGuzzler]

I saw Stevie Wonder at a guitar center once and he was a good 30 feet away so I yelled “Stevie!!!” then waved like a retard forgetting the dude is blind

turns out that nigger was faking it.

 

[Punished Dan Mullen]

I had a group of friends where we would sit in this 1 friend's garage and do drugs etc. The friend who owned the place had 1 rule, nobody can use his bathroom. He had a hang up about that. If you wanna piss, piss in the yard. If you wanna shit, go home and use your own toilet.

Anyway, one night I got really fucking wasted, too drunk to drive so just slept in his garage. I woke up with this need to have a shit from too much alcohol. I knew he had the dont use his bathroom rule, but I thought fuck it, it's 1 AM, hes asleep inside somewhere, he wont know.

So I go inside his house but ive never been inside before. He has a family and they dont like his stoner friends in the house. Its pitch black, Im still a bit drunk and trying to find the bathroom.

Then I start shitting myself. Im lost in his pitch black house and I am shitting everywhere, all over his floors, walking around bumping into things. A male voice (his brother or something) gets woken up and asks whos there and I say Im trying to find the bathroom. He turns on the bathroom light and I go inside. I leave a trail of shit but I clean up the mess in the bathroom at least.

I leave and drive home and never contact him again. He has never contacted me either.

Strange rule I mean like few beers down all everyone want is to shit and piss

 

[guest]

Strange rule I mean like few beers down all everyone want is to shit and piss

We never usually drank. Was only drinking that night because we had no other drugs.

 

[Punished Dan Mullen]

We never usually drank. Was only drinking that night because we had no other drugs.

So he let you folks shoot heroin in his house?

 

[guest]

So he let you folks shoot heroin in his house?

Weed, psychedelics, coke, meth. No heroin lol.

 

[captain_kamala]

One time I got tickets to see the tyra banks show and it was the antm awards so we had to dress formal. Well i got the dates mixed up and showed up the day before, 10:00 in the morning in midtown in a damn evening gown.

 

[Ladynyahh]

I didn't see this thread make it over from the old forum yet and I just had this pop in my head in the shower.

About 4 years ago when I was seeing this girl who didn't drive so I would always pick her up whenever we would hang out. I thought it would make me look cool/mysterious if I had Frank Ocean playing everytime she would get in my car.

I made sure to have Blonde playing before she got in my car. She never said anything until one day, probably after 3 or 4 times of me doing this, she says "You really like Frank Ocean huh?" with this cacophony of disgust and confusion on her face.

I immediately turned it off and never played it again. What a stupid faggot I am.