A totally real story

[Jim-sucks-shit]

He loves to pretend that drunk people back down if you confront them. In his head he's a big tough guy so everyone is intimidated by him and he thinks people will believe these stories.

Of course responsible adults don't go looking to start bar fights but if you did and if it was with the belligerent drunk they sure as hell aren't backing down.

 

[FLUUUID]

He loves to pretend that drunk people back down if you confront them. In his head he's a big tough guy so everyone is intimidated by him and he thinks people will believe these stories.

Of course responsible adults don't go looking to start bar fights but if you did and if it was with the belligerent drunk they sure as hell aren't backing down.

Have you seen Patrick? he is broader in the chest than most! Plus he invented krav maga

 

[guest]

The only thing it's missing is "then everyone clapped".

 

[Mr-Wrinkle-Paws]

Me and my honey. Lol. So he had to be like "Niki if anyone asks, I judo chopped an armed 50 year old man unconscious at the bar last night for a woman's honor, but not you. He drove a Toyota and had leather shoes."

Did he know Niki this far back? I thought he had "sex" with her then married her within couple months after in 2018

 

[Mr-Wrinkle-Paws]

The only thing it's missing is "then everyone clapped".

and the part where he calmly got up and grabbed the guy by the collar and heaved him out the door

 

[Uncle Floyd]

I think means he brought a gallon tub of honey to eat

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

 

[Uncle Floyd]

Which makes you wonder how an unemployed layabout can afford that.

He collects disability ever since Ade broke his heart.

 

[DeadWithoutMyDavid]

Fuck this. Going up New Hampshire. See everybody next week.

Stay outta Ossippee if you know what's good for you

 

[Will Tate]

Me and my honey. Lol. So he had to be like "Niki if anyone asks, I judo chopped an armed 50 year old man unconscious at the bar last night for a woman's honor, but not you. He drove a Toyota and had leather shoes."

Thank God you got here, I was starting to worry. I lost my autographed photo in all the confusion.

 

[guest]

WOW now that one is quite a whopper. Has every single staple of a Tomlinson Tall Tale. The highly unusual not necessarily impossible crazy story (homeless drunk guy making a scene, leaving a $50 on his burger and pouring ketchup on it), then out of nowhere here comes the Tomlinson ("I made it abundantly clear that he needs to leave and never show his face again.")

God I wish someone Patrick trusts would have him on a podcast or something and just go down the list of his tall tales and ask him to retell them and give us some more details and ask him what he was thinking in the moment etc.

 

[FLUUUID]

Its quite interesting that while being firmly in the age of the smartphone, there has never been a viral video record of any of delta force Tomlinsons feats of daring do.

 

[RedGlareRecipient]

He’s such an embarrassing asshole that I didn’t realize this was from like 4 years ago. What a tiresome sack of shit. Your “honey” is a frigid dyke.

 

[sShenaniganz]

"peolpe"

 

[Guyincognito]

Oh shit. Fatty McButterpants has heterochromia. That’s the only thing hetero about him though.

 

[guest]

unghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I can't. The lack off self awareness. It just, it grinds ya down man.

Fuck this. Going up New Hampshire. See everybody next week.

God willing, you'll drive off a winding mountain road an hour before Pat has a coronary.

 

[CanISitOnJonsLap]

Then I told the asshole that I'd had enough, and he needed to start obeying my orders. The asshole looked at me and was immediately terrified into submission as I am such a fearsome asskicker. My every order was followed, and peace was once again restored. I sat back down and gave a confident nod to the other patrons, letting them know they were safe as long as they followed my rules.

How many of his fucking stories end like this? He literally just retells the same tale over and over again but madlibs what the person's being an asshole about. The gym bro making fun of the fat chick. The couple talking about Trump. The guy that wouldn't stop hitting on his female friend.

 

[Meownaw]

Reading this ruined my day. Thanks.

 

[Riccardo Bosi]

He's leaving out the parts where he pissed in Niki's mouth (explains the discoloration of her teeth) and stretched out Pat's cheeks with his erection, which caused permanent jowls. They both knelt in front of him, and he would go back and forth "piss piss" and "fuck fuck" in their faces. Tired, Pat would retire to the basement to eat some Negroni.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

Thank God you got here, I was starting to worry. I lost my autographed photo in all the confusion.

I'll get you a newer, better signed photo in a little bit, Wilbur.

 

[TorqueWheeler]

This sounds completely real. All of Pat’s true stories involve Pat being best friends with everyone, always being in on the joke and then eventually having to show the rich guy/educated guy the door before he spoon-feeds some teeth.