Terrible jokes to have someone read at an open mic?

[Brooke Shields]

Say someone's in a gay fantasy football league and the biggest loser needs to do an open mic. Also say that person is me and I don't plan on writing some bad original material.

I've already got a handful of rape jokes so i need to diversify that with some women, gay and race jokes. Ya know, anything to potentially get someone banned from a venue would be alright.

Thank You

 

[Punished Dan Mullen]

lots of white people here tonight, its like a NASA operation here in this mother fucka know what i am sayin

 

[SensibleKeks]

 

[MunchausenByProxy]

Look! He’s a nigger! He’s a nigger! He’s a nigger!

Edit: @SensibleKeks great minds

 

[Carol's Stink Blaster]

Pats set. Especially the Israel joke

 

[Joe_Cumia_Eats_HUMAN_SHIT]

I think it was real big dummy who just read a bunch of my (Brian Gilgore's) tweets and he bombed except for one chick who was cracking up

https://mobile.twitter.com/Gillygore

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[potatopeeler63]

Just steal jokes from an obscure 80s standup on youtube
Worked for mencia

 

[LockedHDD__Pot]

do Vos' set.

 

['THE NIGGER MAN']

Take my boxy (wine) wife, please.

 

[Brooke Shields]

do Vos' set.

this was my plan if i dont get a few minutes of something else
I'm not sure if i can match his energy or voice

 

[Punished Dan Mullen]

this was my plan if i dont get a few minutes of something else
I'm not sure if i can match his energy or voice

i'd like to chase her in the forest with a hammer

 

[RacksDiciprine]

Did everyone hear about the guy who won the award for "Farmer of the year" ??

He was out-standing in his field.

What a beautiful audience.

 

[guest]

What's with all the black people? They're not black and they're not people

 

[Riccardo Bosi]

wassup wit dis kamala harrison curry nigga? she finna put watermelm on her poppadum, dumb bitch

 

[HatRemovalService]

A Mexican and a Nigger fall off a cliff, which one dies first? Who cares! can be remixed with other races, actual people, etc

 

[guest]

Don't forget to tell the audience how ugly they are. "In the event of a fire, you will all end up better looking" etc. Pick out a woman in the front row and ask her if she did her make up on the car ride over. That kind of thing.

 

[Upton Baby Sinclair]

Plant someone in the audience to say something antisemitic and then get all riled up and agree with him. I think that’s how the bit goes.

You could also just do this act word for word

 

[CuntFucker]

"stand up"
"open mic"
"set"

words that should be removed from common parlance


































....I bet you dummies are thinking about googling "common parlance" right now

 

[fusciasomething]

I hope whatever you say gets you murdered for playing fantasy football. I hate when this place is as embarrassing as JoeH and Pat, genuinely

 

[Mc.Faggot]

Why are black peoples hands white?

So they dont get the cotton dirty