Share Your Funny Stories and Lines here

[Imager]

I got a vacation house recently with some friends in Orlando, FL. We all have kids and it was a big house so we wouldn't get annoyed with each other.

After a few days, I bring up to my friends that being in Orlando makes me remember certain things, like that girl that was killed by the Whale at SeaWorld, and the kid that was eaten by the alligator at Disney.

I said, "I feel bad for the kid, but I also wonder like how it all works. Like does the family just get free Disney tickets for life? Do they get assigned someone to handle them? Do they immediately meet with lawyers? How do they even tell the upper management that an alligator ate a visitor's kid?"

My friend pretended to hold a walkie-talkie and said, "We've got a code Goofy."

I said, "That's not a code Goofy. That's a code Captain Hook."

The shocked look on my daughter's face was priceless. Maybe that's why she's got my sense of yumah.

 

[SensibleKeks]

I got a vacation house recently with some friends in Orlando, FL.

So you guys bought a time share. That's a good investment!

 

[Imager]

So you guys bought a time share. That's a good investment!

View attachment 48445

Fuck no!

You should really check out rental houses in Orlando. Depending on what you choose, there are some awesome properties. And no timeshare seminar.

 

[Punished Dan Mullen]

so me and the mates were chilling at "the table" and some newb wore a shirt with rather feminine colored shirt

 

[Imager]

so me and the mates were chilling "the table" and some newb wore a shirt with rather feminine colored shirt

Then what happened?

 

[EraGodless]

I got a vacation house recently with some friends in Orlando, FL. We all have kids and it was a big house so we wouldn't get annoyed with each other.

After a few days, I bring up to my friends that being in Orlando makes me remember certain things, like that girl that was killed by the Whale at SeaWorld, and the kid that was eaten by the alligator at Disney.

I said, "I feel bad for the kid, but I also wonder like how it all works. Like does the family just get free Disney tickets for life? Do they get assigned someone to handle them? Do they immediately meet with lawyers? How do they even tell the upper management that an alligator ate a visitor's kid?"

My friend pretended to hold a walkie-talkie and said, "We've got a code Goofy."

I said, "That's not a code Goofy. That's a code Captain Hook."

The shocked look on my daughter's face was priceless. Maybe that's why she's got my sense of yumah.

My dad had a house by UCF- it was pretty awesome. I was taking care of him as he was/is suffering from Parkinson's. I took him to CVS for his meds and he was paying by credit card, but he was fumbling with his credit card because of the shakes. The asshole behind us starts getting pissy and huffing and puffing and bitching that he's, "going to miss his flight." I turned around and told him, " I hope you catch your fucking flight and it fucking crashes."

He just sat there like a dipshit. The negro CVS pharmacy tech overheard it and told me not to "harrass," the customers. I told him that, "I'm not afraid afraid of you nigga and you should just stand behind the counter and stay the fuck out of it." He went to go notify the head pharmacist at which point I just grabbed my dad and we left. My dad had a good chuckle.

 

[ThePepsiColaRapist]

so me and the mates were chilling at "the table" and some newb wore a shirt with rather feminine colored shirt

Man, that sounds fuck'n brutal.

 

[guest]

I remember as a kid I found his number on the yellow pages and prank called Fredrik Modin (RIP)..."heavy breathing...kill...kill...you must die...heavy breathing"

and he was funny af. "Aww, bored kiddo...yes, breathe more little faggot...aww I'm scared sonny boy...you are so scary. OK enough put the babysitter on the line" etc.

 

[RobertMewler]

My dad had a house by UCF- it was pretty awesome. I was taking care of him as he was/is suffering from Parkinson's. I took him to CVS for his meds and he was paying by credit card, but he was fumbling with his credit card because of the shakes. The asshole behind us starts getting pissy and huffing and puffing and bitching that he's, "going to miss his flight." I turned around and told him, " I hope you catch your fucking flight and it fucking crashes."

He just sat there like a dipshit. The negro CVS pharmacy tech overheard it and told me not to "harrass," the customers. I told him that, "I'm not afraid afraid of you nigga and you should just stand behind the counter and stay the fuck out of it." He went to go notify the head pharmacist at which point I just grabbed my dad and we left. My dad had a good chuckle.

What happened to the medications???

 

[EraGodless]

What happened to the medications???

Ha. He was able to unfuck his credit card and a female tech handed him his prescriptions.

 

[Imager]

Ha. He was able to unfuck his credit card and a female tech handed him his prescriptions.

What happened to the groceries?

(Dan, O&A reference)

 

[guest]

What happened to the groceries?

(Dan, O&A reference)

How important were the groceries?*

 

[Mr-Wrinkle-Paws]

I stopped by my uncles one day he was watching tv, asked him what was on he said "its about a jew broad that fights draculas"

 

[Imager]

How important were the groceries?*

Incorrect.

How important was the skateboard.

And it was either “Where’d you out the groceries?” Or “What happened to the groceries?” To which the lady politely responded “I don’t know. I was too busy getting raped.”

 

[guest]

Literally the hardest I've ever laughed in my life, like actually on the ground in tears. It's probaly not gonna be as funny because we were like 13, but I still love it.

My friend Kyle and I were at another friend's birthday party at fawkin Pizza Hut. Our friend had to invite his neighbor's kid because the little mo had no friends.
Neighbor kid is sitting across from us all night. We don't really talk to him because he's got long black hair, black nails, makeup, the whole thing. Some lady politely asks him "So, are you a goth or something?" genuinely wanting to know. He looks at her and says in a lispy voice "Ummm no not goth, I'm emo. I'm also-" and Kyle chimes in with "A faggot?"
God damn that was funny.

 

[aRTie02150]

This Haitian kid in my geometry class when I was a sophomore in high school had an extremely flat nose and he made fun of me in class for my wardrobe and I said "you look like you fell asleep on your face overnight." fucking everyone, including the teacher, laughed. His reply? "Whatever nigga." He was 2 years older than me and making fun of me for wearing shitty clothes because I didn't have money.

He didn't become cool with me or anything, but he would dap me up occasionally. I think I genuinely hurt his feelings by pointing out his disfigurement and he understood how he hurt me.

I'm so gay.

 

[DeadWithoutMyDavid]

There was this big fat ugly obnoxious girl in a middle school class with me. She looked like Miss Piggy. There was a substitute teacher one day, and the girl, who I'll call Hayley, had a temper tantrum about something fat and the substitute sent her to the office, and she fatly huffed out.

After she left the teacher goes, "ok, who here thinks-" and a kid says, "Hayley is fat?" The whole class laughed and then the teacher bust out laughing too.

Maybe you had to be there.

 

[guest]

I punched a fawkin bitch once and I was like "read THESE tea leaves, bitch."

Note to dan mullen: fuck you.

 

[guest]

Probably mentioned this..

Was walking near Chinatown...I see something like a 6'4 'lady' in heels that looked like Putty from Seinfeld in a wig.

So tranny was trying to cross the street...suddenly a Chevy Cavalier pulls out of nowhere, rams into him and sends him flipping mid air and landing on the asphalt on his ass. Wig flew off, heels flew off...he was a mess.

So a crowd gathered to help..."Are you ok ?! omg"

"I'm FINE! don't touch me!" as he got up and put the wig back on. I loffed so hard.

 

[Riccardo Bosi]

My friend tried to quote Randy Savage's 'I'm the cream of the crop' promo, except he said 'I'm the condensed milk' and then I did the impersonation and said 'yeah huh, you can leave me in the back of the pantry for years' and for some reason we laughed hysterically for 1.7 minutes.