Shane Nokes is, without a doubt, the most pathetic Pativerse character of any season.
Who comes close? Weimer? He has a job and recently won some very gay awards. He travels around and has hobbies like photography and fucking children in their mouths and anuses.
Hildeman? His wife was nowhere near as fat as Nokes' huge beast, he published a book, shitty as it was, has a job and has a little group of Godless faggots he sits around with and circlejerk about how above it they all are.
Jackie has children, a husband, giant gorilla hands, was in the military for a couple of minutes, was employed briefly by a president campaign and has apparently been living it up based on her credit card debt. She got invited that one time to a conference to lie about us and she has free time to make hilariously unrealistic photos of herself looking hot.
Nokes gets his teeth pulled by a guy at the homeless shelter, has a body like a grown up Thurmon Merman from Bad Santa, has a woman nobody else on Earth would fuck with somebody else's dick, has no job, lives in a shitbox on the government dime, has no accomplishments other than he worked at a Microsoft customer service center a decade ago and once got anally spelunked by a babysitter's cutlery in a story that probably didn't even happen.
His big brag is he got a cheap light package at Five Below for his cheap Chinese shit computer setup nobody cares about so he can get ignored in 4k by Patrick Tomlinson, who he is desperate to emulate, in hopes of one day getting on the news as the most obese man to get mocked on the internet by Leslie Varney.
The only news story that's ever going to invovle Shane Nokes is when he dies and they have to create a special double wide oven to cremate his fat fuck ass to be dumped, unloved, into a landfill next to a box of Cutco knives for all eternity.
A foul smelling cancerous growth on both society and the lives of everyone he knows. The world is no better for Shane's presence in it, and if an angel showed him what life would be like without him, he'd have the opposite of Jimmy Stewart's experience, instead seeing that everyone he knows would be better off without him smelling like BO at their wedidng and leeching off of their lives and finances.
