Jokes for Patrick's Set (Helpful Responses Only)

[Random username]

Damn I'd love a
Haaammmmmmbuuurrrrger.
Shucky ducky.

 

[CokeCanCock]

So I'm standing in line for the latest star wars movie right? And I've got my tongue up this guy's ass! For some reason I got cuts on my tongue and a mouthful of peanut butter now, so I tap the guy on the shoulder and I go "nyum nyum nyum I've got peanut butter in my mouth from your asshole and my tongue is bleeding, what's the big idea, child?".

The guy turns around and says "Hey Pat it's me Shane from Microsoft, you left your bespoke knife in there when we were at Hoolies last week".

My beer and brat chiseled face turned white as a load on Niki's leggings: "you never worked for Microsoft, I loaned all my bespoke cutlery to Paul for his voluntary scout work, and I haven't set foot in Hoolies since five sink Dan placed a voodoo curse on it, child". I miss my ex wife.

 

[bantadant]

So I'm standing in line for the latest star wars movie right? And I've got my tongue up this guy's ass! For some reason I got cuts on my tongue and a mouthful of peanut butter now, so I tap the guy on the shoulder and I go "nyum nyum nyum I've got peanut butter in my mouth from your asshole and my tongue is bleeding, what's the big idea, child?".

The guy turns around and says "Hey Pat it's me Shane from Microsoft, you left your bespoke knife in there when we were at Hoolies last week".

My beer and brat chiseled face turned white as a load on Niki's leggings: "you never worked for Microsoft, I loaned all my bespoke cutlery to Paul for his voluntary scout work, and I haven't set foot in Hoolies since five sink Dan placed a voodoo curse on it, child". I miss my ex wife.

Sounds weird, right- who puts a butterknife in an butthole? I guess someone misunderstood Shane when he was bragging about having spreadable asscheeks

 

[guest]

So my wife recently lost 280 lbs...we just got divorced.

 

[N64 Cube]

This Jew joke is by far better than any joke Pat has ever told

 

[RoTheHo69]

This Jew joke is by far better than any joke Pat has ever told

woof that's a stinker

 

[LaylaCumiasMoistHotPocket]

“While we’re on the topic of things that scare my wife, any married guys in the audience. Have any of you ever let a black man fuck your wife? Yes?….No?…..Phew, tough crowd tonight folks”

 

[Africa.com]

Have you guys been reading the news at all? Apparently Florida is being run by a fucking faaaasssshhhhiissssst. No it's true. All the trains run on time, but because it's Florida a guy on bath salts is still gonna try to eat your face.

Ron Desantis is such a fucking Nazi he saw a Seinfeld episode and he's been trying to ethnically cleanse Del Boca Vista for the last 5 years.

 

[Salted Earth Truffle]

I have my 25 year high school reunion coming up on the horizon. I did go to our 20 year reunion. I just went to see who got fat. But we’re from Wisconsin, so we all did.

Anyone ever been to a high school reunion? If mine was anything to go on, most people find it pretty uncomfortable at first. Lots of trouble making eye contact and awkwardly hanging out by the buffet, hoping someone will acknowledge you. So, a lot like my wedding.

But seriously, folks. If anything is more nerve wracking than hoping your high school crush sees you for the first time in 20 years and declares her undying love for you, it’s hoping your fiancée will do the same on your wedding day. In my case, I had nothing to fear. Except for the monster-cocked friend of mine who cucked me with her a few years later.

Yes, that really happened. She divorced me and married him. I’m not making this up. Thanks, folks, but I don’t need your sympathetic noises. I got remarried a few years ago and so it all ended well. Especially since my ex-wife’s new husband died prematurely and left her alone with four kids to support. Payback’s a bitch and so is my ex-wife.

But I’m totally over her. My new wife and I own a home here in Milwaukee, real nice neighborhood. We like to travel. Went to Dachau on our honeymoon. Anyone know what Dachau is? That’s right, a concentration camp. Unfortunately I thought that meant we’d be getting tips on how to improve our focus. Slight mixup. I only realized my mistake when we got there and clusters of people were weeping and shaking their fists at the sky. So it reminded me a lot of both my wedding days.

When my wife and I aren’t traveling, we like to go to games. Big Brewers fans, big Packers fans. Yeah, we got a lot of sports fans in the house! Opening day was pretty memorable this year. While we were there, someone called Milwaukee PD and told them I’d just shot my wife in our home. No joke. They actually showed up at our house with their ballistic shields drawn. Yeah, the caller pretending to be me told the 911 operator that I was an out of control alcoholic and had been planning my wife’s murder for months. That made me panic, I gotta be honest with you. I was thinking, “How the hell did this dude get access to my diary?”

 

[PogromStallone]

I have my 25 year high school reunion coming up on the horizon. I did go to our 20 year reunion. I just went to see who got fat. But we’re from Wisconsin, so we all did.

Anyone ever been to a high school reunion? If mine was anything to go on, most people find it pretty uncomfortable at first. Lots of trouble making eye contact and awkwardly hanging out by the buffet, hoping someone will acknowledge you. So, a lot like my wedding.

But seriously, folks. If anything is more nerve wracking than hoping your high school crush sees you for the first time in 20 years and declares her undying love for you, it’s hoping your fiancée will do the same on your wedding day. In my case, I had nothing to fear. Except for the monster-cocked friend of mine who cucked me with her a few years later.

Yes, that really happened. She divorced me and married him. I’m not making this up. Thanks, folks, but I don’t need your sympathetic noises. I got remarried a few years ago and so it all ended well. Especially since my ex-wife’s new husband died prematurely and left her alone with four kids to support. Payback’s a bitch and so is my ex-wife.

But I’m totally over her. My new wife and I own a home here in Milwaukee, real nice neighborhood. We like to travel. Went to Dachau on our honeymoon. Anyone know what Dachau is? That’s right, a concentration camp. Unfortunately I thought that meant we’d be getting tips on how to improve our focus. Slight mixup. I only realized my mistake when we got there and clusters of people were weeping and shaking their fists at the sky. So it reminded me a lot of both my wedding days.

When my wife and I aren’t traveling, we like to go to games. Big Brewers fans, big Packers fans. Yeah, we got a lot of sports fans in the house! Opening day was pretty memorable this year. While we were there, someone called Milwaukee PD and told them I’d just shot my wife in our home. No joke. They actually showed up at our house with their ballistic shields drawn. Yeah, the caller pretending to be me told the 911 operator that I was an out of control alcoholic and had been planning my wife’s murder for months. That made me panic, I gotta be honest with you. I was thinking, “How the hell did this dude get access to my diary?”

That's rough, buddy. You seem to have made it through okay though, I wish I had your mental fortitude.

 

[Salted Earth Truffle]

That's rough, buddy. You seem to have made it through okay though, I wish I had your mental fortitude.

To be fair, it’s not difficult to be less cringe and more amusing than Pat.

 

[Africa.com]

Anyone married? I am and have been for a while. Do you ever notice how small inconsequential things start arguments? I can't tell you how many times I have to ask my wife to put the toilet seat down