Jokes for Patrick's Set (Helpful Responses Only)

[Turk February]

I thought as a kindness to Pat we could write a few nice, middle of the road stand up jokes he can use in his act, don't say I've never done nothing for you, Pat, I came up with a few, may need some work:

"I'm a writer, I was thinking of writing a book based on my life, I was thinking about it but, I don't think it would sell... the horror genre is entirely too competitive."

"I'm a victim of cyberbullying. It's hard to be taken seriously as an adult man who is a victim of cyberbullying... people think it's childish, but it's true, despite this problem, I am a real adult man, I've got my own subscription to Disney+ and everything."

"I've been having a lot of problems with the MPD lately. It's either Milwaukee Police Department or Multiple Personality Disorder, I forget which one's the problem. They both make me look like a weirdo in front of my neighbors and scare the shit out of my wife."

 

[Easily_Remembered]

 

[Patrick O'Neal]

Parenting is hard. Take my child - please!

 

[Treat Yourself]

"I can't see my daughter because I raped her. Oops, did I say 'raped'? I meant 'abandoned'. And raped. She has a fivehead now."
"What's the deal with nigger farts? Every time your wife sits down, fwoof, another Jamal special right out the coochie. If my dick wasn't so hard I'd be disgusted."
"Anybody got stlakers? I got a lot of 'em. They never give up, these guys. Everyone ever has always said 'leave it alone' but how will the record get corrected then, huh? Idiots: 0, Patrick: 1!"
"I bought a lizard because it's antifascist. Get it? There's no joke here! UH-GUHHHH"
"I was talking to a guy the other day and he was wearing a new shirt. They have those? I've been wearing the same shit for 15 years. Buying new clothes is for niggers. They don't even wash them, they throw them out and buy new ones after wearing them once. Man I hate niggers. Anybody else? Hello?"
"I got arrested once. I threatened to kill my wife and unborn daughter. They only took me in because I didn't go through with it. Have you seen how ugly she is? What was I thinking? Oh yeah, probably about food. I'm fat."

 

[Dummy Gaynuts]

"I'm friends with pedophiles. What's up with that, am i right?"

 

[guest]

“So uhhh, I’m currently being cyberstalked… yep, you heard that right.. i have cyber stlakers… literally a cult of incels that have been following me and harassing me everyday for the past five years….”

“Anybody here ever had a cyberstlaker?”

***crickets***

“It’s a lot like having paparazzi, minus the death threats, harassment, fake loan applications, bomb threats, threatening to light my house on fire and skin my cats alive”…

*awkward silence, a few people stand up to take a piss*

“So anyways, I’m from a Milwaukee, you know how your knees hurt when it gets cold?
I mean, HAHA *harumph*, i messed that up I’m a little rusty,
You know how i know im getting old?
When i know how cold it is by how much my knees hurt”

*crickets*
*pity chuckle*

 

[Patrick O'Neal]

I'll be here all night, folks! Actually, I won't because I'm not 25 and I don't close out bars anymore.

 

[PickleRickle]

His closer is when he swats the venue

 

[Coonskin]

“You sir, you in the audience right there. What do you do for a living? Just kidding you’re a nigger I know you don’t work”

*wait for applause*

“What’s the deal with niggers anyway?”

 

[Jesse Ventura]

“Hello friends…good to see all four of you made the trip tonight!”

“On my way over here I ran into this guy named Bernell. You seen this? You heard about this? He is a black man but he supports Trump and holds up signs about him. Crazy, right? I decided to shoot him dead in the street. Talk about a couple of role reversals!”

*boooooooooo!*

“No, children. Prison awaits, children”

“Now, I wouldn’t call myself a murderer. I’m on the right side of history. I’ve been to Dachau. I’ve seen the little jewish pairs of shoes. I never killed any children…..I’ve only threatened to kill my own. She looks like me though, so I’m just saving a future rapist a bad time”

*booooooo!*

“Quietly, children. Quietly is key.”

 

[PickleRickle]

Anyone else, a raise of hands for anyone that thinks Donald Trump is rapey with his daughter!?
*hoots and haulerin*
Right!? He totally is. Im glad we're on the same page.
*claps and cheers*
What im getting at is id totally fuck my daughter on prom night.

 

[Easily_Remembered]

Lotta fat people here tonight. Looks like the prep room in a Dunkin Donuts.

I have this, uh friend, right? Paul - his name is Paul. Anyway, Paul works around kids, right, like - a lot. Photog- uh, photography. So I ask him, I ask Paul - hey, uh, Paul, is it hard? You know? Working around children? He says, "Of course it is. I just untuck my shirt so they don't notice".

 

[Turk February]

"my mother made me a sandwich the other, fish sandwich, very nutritious, b vitamins, proteins, big fucking bones"

Oh shit, wrong roast.

 

[soulbrotherman#1]

..A lot of these are pretty good

 

[Antwan Kumiya]

If only josh good naturedly was still around, he’d be good help. He KILLLLLLLLLS in those rooms. A real Mmmmmurderer.

 

[A House Nigger]

“Niggers. Amirite people? That’s right. With an e-r at the end. I work blue, folks.”

Trust me, his jokes will be that bad

 

[Easily_Remembered]

 

[Ants Hard Drive of Horror]

"I tried helping my daughter with her homework. I'm terrible. She'd ask 'Daddy, what's a pronoun'? 'A noun who's on the right side of history.' 'Daddy, what's a homonym?' 'A marginalized nym'."

"My teacher told us to sit Indian style. So I'd sit with great pride and honor even though my people have been persecuted by whites."

"I used to date a homeless woman. That was great. When the date was over, I could drop her off anywhere that government housing should have been available if it weren't for Trump."

"I stone-washed my stlaker."

 

[Safka's Enticer]

What's the deal with niggers?

No I'm serious, what the FUCK is WRONG with them?

 

[Hudson]

"I am not overweight by any medical standard and...."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY

"Wait, children...that's not the punch line...stop laughing! You are all going to prison."