I feel like im getting more and more off the wall, I have tried every medication going, every ssri you can think of, even the primitive stuff from the 60s. I am constantly blowing up relationships, getting into fights with strangers, unable to hold a job or get loans/grants to implement great ideas I have. I have this deep feeling that I am just better than almost everyone else and also more intelligent but can't hold it together long enough to be able to capitalise on this. I have this energy inside me that I am destined for greatness but here I am living in a shitty rented apartment. I have hundreds of manuscripts written from novels, memoirs of my life to political writings and scientific papers that I know will never get published. I even went through a period of being obsessed with philology and creating languages with the idea they would be used when I got caught up on the idea society would collapse. Much of my work I burned when I got into a prolonged dispute with my gas provider who cut off my heating. Most everyone is against me, even most of you here, for no reason. It's like people automatically go out of there way to destroy me for reasons that aren't clear to me yet. I had a theory that it's because I am important in the grand scheme of all this what we are part of, we don't know what we are, how we got here, what here is. We don't know what 95% of the universe is made of, we call it dark matter and mass. Perhaps that invisible energy is controlling everyone and telling them to go against me?
Last night I got my mini up to 120mph on an empty road and closed my eyes for what felt like a minute just to feel alive and to see if I still don't want to die, I don't, I was shaking like a leaf, then I remembered I hadn't eaten for 24 hours, pulled into a mcdonalds drive thru and the stupid fucking cunt staff arrogantly told me to speak up and repeat my order which ended with me laying on my horn at the car in front until they allowed me to leave the situation before I ended up in a cell. But I am rambling, I just want to know if anyone else feels somewhat similar, that the world is against you to the extent that you fly into a rage that is so strong it hurts your brain and how if so how do you keep it together? I am just unable to abide by ignorant and arrogant people and this bridge burning has destroyed my life.
Last night I got my mini up to 120mph on an empty road and closed my eyes for what felt like a minute just to feel alive and to see if I still don't want to die, I don't, I was shaking like a leaf, then I remembered I hadn't eaten for 24 hours, pulled into a mcdonalds drive thru and the stupid fucking cunt staff arrogantly told me to speak up and repeat my order which ended with me laying on my horn at the car in front until they allowed me to leave the situation before I ended up in a cell. But I am rambling, I just want to know if anyone else feels somewhat similar, that the world is against you to the extent that you fly into a rage that is so strong it hurts your brain and how if so how do you keep it together? I am just unable to abide by ignorant and arrogant people and this bridge burning has destroyed my life.
