"Gonge"

[Sue Lightning]

Its been a pretty long time since I read a fiction book but I think of like Lemony Snickett who has such a particular writing style you automatically know its him. And it gives a sort of character to the writing style that elevates the actual story being told.

Why is it that none of Pat or his adjacent writing buddies understand this. Everything they write has no style, no voice, no character. Just so fucking bland

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

I'm so overcome with shit to say about this that I don't even know what the fuck to say about this. Why do none of these fuckers have any life experience? As embarrassed as I am to be an adult who smokes bongs every day like a 15 year old, this is so much worse. I've never seen more embarrassing descriptions of weed. It's 40 Year Old Virgin "her tits felt like bags of sand" shit. If something is going to be a part of your book and you're going to try to come off as knowledgable about it, maybe research it for a second. Like Pat with the sugar cubes so he could make a "one lump or two?" quip.

This guy is a fucking loser is what I'm getting at.

 

[Oogie Farts 1488]

shouldn't have read this thread, genuinely ruined my day

 

[kingship75]

Its been a pretty long time since I read a fiction book but I think of like Lemony Snickett who has such a particular writing style you automatically know its him.

The existence of Lemony Snickett implies the existence of Limony Snickety.

Citrus ‘yuma.

 

[DeadWithoutMyDavid]

"a Mary Jane establishment" this is like hearing my parents call it grass or cops say dope

 

[AliceWorquer]

Hildy's book is so bad it gets inside your head. Say what you will about Patrick, but his biggest literary crime is mediocrity. He has 6 novels out and at least three of them are books that someone could read and find entertaining. They are trash and aside from a couple of especially stupid ideas when he's trying to be funny they are mostly forgettable and not even really worth commenting on. They are just books but Patrick is a real author and a generous reader could easily give them the thumbs up.
The Scotty is offensively bad, and Hildy isn't an author, he's just a smug faggot. His writing has a depth of shittiness to it that I actually wish Patrick had a little more of.
It forces you to stop and think about every single line because of how poorly executed it is. The opening is supposed to be the main characters journal, but she still takes the time to explain every little contextual detail like she's talking to an alien. He didn't give a shit about finding readers who would set him straight before he released it.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

Hildy's book is so bad it gets inside your head. Say what you will about Patrick, but his biggest literary crime is mediocrity. He has 6 novels out and at least three of them are books that someone could read and find entertaining. They are trash and aside from a couple of especially stupid ideas when he's trying to be funny they are mostly forgettable and not even really worth commenting on. They are just books but Patrick is a real author and a generous reader could easily give them the thumbs up.
The Scotty is offensively bad, and Hildy isn't an author, he's just a smug faggot. His writing has a depth of shittiness to it that I actually wish Patrick had a little more of.
It forces you to stop and think about every single line because of how poorly executed it is. The opening is supposed to be the main characters journal, but she still takes the time to explain every little contextual detail like she's talking to an alien. He didn't give a shit about finding readers who would set him straight before he released it.

It's shit even right down to the cover art. At least Pat's books look like the standard sci-fi book. Hildo's is some MS Paint shit. I don't know how you'd give that cover the okay. Like if my work looks like shit I don't want my fucking name associated with it. Actually, if my work looked like shit I'd fix it. He's probably subscribing to some "Can't judge a book by it's cover. It's what's inside that counts." cope that ugly cretins like him use. Well, Eric, you look at the cover and it looks like shit. What's inside? More shit. I guess your book is just a piece of shit then, huh?

 

[Rick Roblinson]

He's the dumbest guy in mensa

 

[TorquieTwoBeers]

It's shit even right down to the cover art.

Apparently you can judge a book by its cover.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

Apparently you can judge a book by its cover.

You literally and figuratively can. That's why you can glance at guys like Hildy and Paul Weimer and know exactly what they are.

 

[TorquieTwoBeers]

You literally and figuratively can. That's why you can glance at guys like Hildy and Paul Weimer and know exactly what they are.

Paul Weimer's book would be called The Potty. The cover art would have Paul's watermark on it.

 

[Rodeo Clown]

He's a fucking idiot

Is "idiot" what the kids are calling child rapists nowadays lol? Maybe he'll turn himself in before New Years because I read on reddit that Michigan is playing an outdoor hockey game in Wrigley Field on January 3rd and it said that a team of pedophile hunters from some North Jersey town are big hockey fans and somebody might have a lead on a known minor attracted person near there. What do I know and I think most of those redditors are just pranksters and blowhards anyway. I'm sure Mensa members know better than to fuck around and find out with the wrong kind of people. I mean a guy like Hildy keeps inserting himself into all kinds of drama that doesn't concern him despite not even being able to pay his property taxes, standing like 5-6, having diabetes, seemingly having raped his minor sister, and being married to sickly, barren former 600lb'er and loads of other baggage. He clearly knows what he's doing.

 

[Chive Turkey]

The Scotty is so much fucking worse than anything Patrick ever wrote. It's not even hyperbole because hildy is so unlikeable. This is the first chapter. The character speaking is supposed to be a woman, but she talks like a 50 year old, bald man called Eric Hildeman. This novel does a whole lot to highlight Hildy's lack of life experience. Judging by this he's written more books than he's read and has never been outside or had a conversation with another human.


There's a lot to say about how shit this is. I kind of want to critique it just so I can post it here in its entirety but I would genuinely rather read Starship Repo again.
I only wish Hildy had written this under a pen name so i wouldnt have to have been made aware of it.

some key takeways:

- Nice constant exposition, stupid

- Nice writing a realistic female protagonist, stupid. He didn't even make it past the first chapter before he was talking about her tits and feminine wiles. But she's into scientist I suppose, so that's progressive.

- Nice stilted dialogue in the exact same voice throughout, stupid.

-"the inside was filled with a thin haze caused by constantly smoking patrons"? Or "the inside was filled with smoke"? You wordy, pretentious faggot.

-"It was a candy-chronic conglomeration; a reefer redolence; a pot-pourri" legitimately made me angry thinking about how pleased with himself he probably was after writing that.

- "gonge"

-Geeks would want to learn about a matter transporter because its a fucking matter transporter, not because of some gay TV show from the 60s.

-government spies write private journals like teenage girls do they?

I'm sure he would argue that it's a comedy, so it doesn't have to make sense but he would also argue that its OK to want to fuck kids.

Utter shit.

You took the words right out of my mouth. Holy fuck, does he stink.

I'm almost fucking stumped by the fact that he's a worse writer than Pat.

 

[Lunkhead]

-"It was a candy-chronic conglomeration; a reefer redolence; a pot-pourri" legitimately made me angry thinking about how pleased with himself he probably was after writing that.

The secondhand embarrassment I felt from reading that...it's unreal what a faggot he is. Pot-purri. Eat shit, Hildy.

 

[AliceWorquer]

I'm almost fucking stumped by the fact that he's a worse writer than Pat.

Hildy's efforts make Patrick's look fucking herculean by comparison. No matter how good or bad he is Pat went to the trouble to turn his writing into real books. Anyone could easily put out something the same quality as The Scotty every couple of months for a hobby but most people wouldn't try to charge for it and organize book signings because it is sub-par, amateurish garbage.
People like Hildy are the reason nobody respects the labor value of artists. He thinks the time he chose to spend writing his self-indulgent story gives it the same intrinsic value as a professional book. He doesn't give a shit about what a reader might actually want, let alone what a consumer might want from a product. You can see how poor Hildy's artistic instincts are before you're even on the first page. He's a 50 year old writer and self-described intellectual whose debut novel doesnt even look like a real book from a distance. He's clearly never asked anybody except himself whether any of his shit is worth reading. The fact that he couldn't find one person to tell him how hideous the cover is shows how little he cared about making sure that the final product was even remotely worth picking up. Its so sup-par on so many levels it makes me want to defend the literary integrity of Patrick S Tomlinson which is a mind boggling accomplishment.

 

[PorqueDealer]

Hildy's efforts make Patrick's look fucking herculean by comparison. No matter how good or bad he is Pat went to the trouble to turn his writing into real books. Anyone could easily put out something the same quality as The Scotty every couple of months for a hobby but most people wouldn't try to charge for it and organize book signings because it is sub-par, amateurish garbage.
People like Hildy are the reason nobody respects the labor value of artists. He thinks the time he chose to spend writing his self-indulgent story gives it the same intrinsic value as a professional book. He doesn't give a shit about what a reader might actually want, let alone what a consumer might want from a product. You can see how poor Hildy's artistic instincts are before you're even on the first page. He's a 50 year old writer and self-described intellectual whose debut novel doesnt even look like a real book from a distance. He's clearly never asked anybody except himself whether any of his shit is worth reading. The fact that he couldn't find one person to tell him how hideous the cover is shows how little he cared about making sure that the final product was even remotely worth picking up. Its so sup-par on so many levels it makes me want to defend the literary integrity of Patrick S Tomlinson which is a mind boggling accomplishment.

He has written a book previously, the abortion one.
This was only written and self published so he could get into the SFWA.

 

[Kinderman]

“My latest government assignment…” fucking dork. Guy’s never even been around weed, but likely has strong opinions about IPAs that he will share at the drop of a hat.

 

[SpaceEdge]

the Scotty is employed for such dubious efforts as world-changing and spying on naked women alike,

Ohh nooo I'm so sorry Heidi

Eric, seriously dude.. what a fucking weirdo you really are with this shit. Even in your unrestricted imagination all you have is atheism and sex with your sister.

You can call me any dumbass name you would like especially scountroll but at the end of the day people call you a fucking weirdo in real life and they only call me LATE FOR DINNER

 

[DrTorqueCarlisi]

Excerpt from the scotty

My latest government assignment ordered me to the Peace Frog, which was a Mary Jane establishment in Pasadena, California. The air inside was filled with a thin haze caused by constantly smoking patrons and, because nearly all the gonge was flavored, the indoor fog smelled of berries, peppermint, chocolate, vanilla, as well as cannabis. It was a candy-chronic conglomeration; a reefer redolence; a pot-pourri.

Surely he means ganj as in ganja, right? No. He has kiddies on the mind as usual

That sounds like something written by someone that has never smoked weed. I’m surprised he didn’t crowbar in a cheech and Chong reference.

Ahahaha! Look at the nerdlinger trying to talk cool. And he calls himself an author, but that doesn't mean he's cultured in any way.

Hahahahahaha, did you see that jerk?

 

[AliceWorquer]

He has written a book previously, the abortion one.
This was only written and self published so he could get into the SFWA.

His last two "books" were non fiction essays about abortions and creationism. They'll let him in if the Scotty makes $1000 but it won't.