Funny masturbation stories.

[Petworth dude]

Indian spergs are something else.

He would interrupt class for all kinds of stupid shit and would hold weird grudges against people. I might have a few more stories up my sleeve.

It's really unfortunately what happened to his mom, though. She was a really sweet lady who didn't deserve to have chunks of flesh bitten off her hands by her "neurodivergent" son.

 

[Mick_Mickerson]

I definitely have some sort of autistic/OCD obsession to piss/shit/cum in the same exact spot. I worked at my last job for nearly 4 years and everyday I would drink several coffees and bottled waters in the morning and go out to the parking garage on lunch to piss in the exact same spot in the corner behind a support column.. every single fucking day. I would hold it in some days until I would almost piss my pants because I HAD to make it to my piss spot to relieve myself. I would pride myself on the rivers of piss I would create in that parking garage. After awhile that entire third floor smelled like the port authority

If i'm reading this correctly -- you worked an office job with ready access to toilets and would go outside to piss in the parking garage?

Imagine getting caught for that LOL. I'm sure HR could figure out some way to make it a fireable offence, but you'd want to quit anyway after everyone learned.

Also quite gross all your coworkers had to step out of the office and smell dried piss. Probably blamed it on the homeless

 

[Former Prez Gerald Ford]

If i'm reading this correctly -- you worked an office job with ready access to toilets and would go outside to piss in the parking garage?

Imagine getting caught for that LOL. I'm sure HR could figure out some way to make it a fireable offence, but you'd want to quit anyway after everyone learned.

Also quite gross all your coworkers had to step out of the office and smell dried piss. Probably blamed it on the homeless

Im a disgusting human being but my co workers there were 1000x worse. I live in a rural/suburban area, some of these people are fuckin gross dude, I did not give two shits what anyone there thought of me. I could have just as easily pulled my dick out by the water cooler and pissed on someone’s foot, fire me faggot I’ll go back to working at Jimmy Whistledicks Pizza Emporium for 2 dollars less an hour

 

[DiarrheaDick]

I definitely have some sort of autistic/OCD obsession to piss/shit/cum in the same exact spot. I worked at my last job for nearly 4 years and everyday I would drink several coffees and bottled waters in the morning and go out to the parking garage on lunch to piss in the exact same spot in the corner behind a support column.. every single fucking day. I would hold it in some days until I would almost piss my pants because I HAD to make it to my piss spot to relieve myself. I would pride myself on the rivers of piss I would create in that parking garage. After awhile that entire third floor smelled like the port authority

 

[Chapel]

Anyone ever jerk one off while driving? Done it a couple of few times

Got fired from driving the school bus when I did it

 

[Mick_Mickerson]

Im a disgusting human being but my co workers there were 1000x worse. I live in a rural/suburban area, some of these people are fuckin gross dude, I did not give two shits what anyone there thought of me. I could have just as easily pulled my dick out by the water cooler and pissed on someone’s foot, fire me faggot I’ll go back to working at Jimmy Whistledicks Pizza Emporium for 2 dollars less an hour

What were your coworkers doing that is grosser than pissing where everyone walks rather than using the toilet?

This brings up an interesting question -- would you rather be fired for filming a coworker shitting "as a goof" or fired for autistically saving up all your morning pisses in order to relieve yourself near your coworker's cars?

 

[MonsterSteve]

I told this story here but I jerked off after cutting a bunch of really spicy peppers and forgot to wash my hands. My dick started burning so bad I jumped in the shower and the hot water only made it worse. Lasted for a good 20 minutes and don't wish that on anybody.

 

[Mitch Weaver]

I found one of my dad's porno DVDs in probably 2003 and borrowed it for a day and forgot to put it back until well after he had looked for it.

I came home from school and he was yelling at me, with the DVD in his hand, saying "did you have this?!" I didn't want to lie so I said yeah and he almost fucking hit me. Told me him and my mom had a big fight over it that morning because he thought she had found it and tossed it.

Kinda similar but I took one of my dad’s High Society mags to middle ones school as another kid had agreed to trade for a day.

This fucking idiot shows it to another retarded beaner and long story short my dad’s High Society mag got confiscated. The kid didn’t rat me out and he took the pinch like a real ass kid but I had to put his budget ass mag into my dad’s spank drawer.

To this day I don’t know what my dad thought when he found a magazine that obviously wasn’t his.

 

[LockedHDD__Pot]

I've got a good one but I'm saving it for the podcast, it involves drugs, foreigners & my friends wife

 

[DeadWithoutMyDavid]

I stuck the head of my dick in a vacuum cleaner nozzle once thinking that must be what a blow job felt like. I was 34.

 

[DeadWithoutMyDavid]

I found one of my dad's porno DVDs in probably 2003 and borrowed it for a day and forgot to put it back until well after he had looked for it.

I came home from school and he was yelling at me, with the DVD in his hand, saying "did you have this?!" I didn't want to lie so I said yeah and he almost fucking hit me. Told me him and my mom had a big fight over it that morning because he thought she had found it and tossed it.

He must have been so relieved to learn you weren't a queer after all.

 

[Mick_Mickerson]

Kinda similar but I took one of my dad’s High Society mags to middle ones school as another kid had agreed to trade for a day.

This fucking idiot shows it to another retarded beaner and long story short my dad’s High Society mag got confiscated. The kid didn’t rat me out and he took the pinch like a real ass kid but I had to put his budget ass mag into my dad’s spank drawer.

To this day I don’t know what my dad thought when he found a magazine that obviously wasn’t his.

I imagine one would be rather perturbed to find a used porno mag in the nightstand.

 

[Mick_Mickerson]

WWAWT pens you turned upside down and the bikini fell off?

 

[DMAN]

In high school a latina girl who was 4 feet tall and had the biggest ass in the world sat in front of me in class. She was sleeping with her head on the desk and her shirt rode up to reveal the thong gripping her pale gelatinous curves. I just stared for like 25 minutes until I couldn't take it anymore, ran to the bathroom and cranked one into the toilet, while standing up. Only time I ever masturbated in a public setting.