Funny masturbation stories.

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When I was 14 or so we would have christmas's and easters at my godmothers house. Like 40 people or so.

She had a smokin hot daughter who was 2 years older than me, and the kids would all hang out together in her room.

I would inevitably use the bathroom, and that's where the laundry basket was.

I would go take a piss and jerk off with her used crusty panties to my nose and cum in literallly 30 seconds.

This happened 4-5 times until One time I checked the panties and there was shit on them. literal shit.

Didn't do it again, until probably a year later when I would dog sit my neighboors house and go into the master bedroom to jerk off with the milf's panties from the laundry basket
 
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Former Prez Gerald Ford

Former Prez Gerald Ford

Come over and we’ll have nachos. And some beer.
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I was a disgusting pig in my early 20s. I had a jizz wall in the bedroom of my old apartment that I would jerk onto everytime I masturbated. I also shoot a large volume of semen.. especially in my hey day as a young man I could practically fill a shot glass. After a year and a half the wall was horrifically stained orange and brown. I left it there when I moved out for my Jewish landlord as a thank you for being such a greedy faggot. There was no possible way to clean it but I would love to have been a fly on the wall when he inspected it. I did not get my security deposit back on that one
 
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Around the same time my little brother was playing travel baseball and they would have doubleheaders on sundays like 2 hours away so theyd be gone from like 9 am to 7 pm.

That was time for me to set up shop, I would jerk till my dick was raw on the family desktop, I think my record was 5-6 times in that time period.

My parents had a bath with jets so I would say that my back was hurting or whatever, use their bathtub, would put my dick on there and bust a load.

I would also sometimes go to my brothers games, bored as fuck, and sit in the car in parking lot with my psp jerking off to saved images of shakira.
to be 13 again
 
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Unarmed-Dindu said:
I was a disgusting pig in my early 20s. I had a jizz wall in the bedroom of my old apartment that I would jerk onto everytime I masturbated. I also shoot a large volume of semen.. especially in my hey day as a young man I could practically fill a shot glass. After a year and a half the wall was horrifically stained orange and brown. I left it there when I moved out for my Jewish landlord as a thank you for being such a greedy faggot. There was no possible way to clean it but I would love to have been a fly on the wall when he inspected it. I did not get my security deposit back on that one
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Lol holy shit I used to do the same thing on my bedroom wall when I was a teenager. I would kneel at the head of my bed with the magazine in front of me and fire load onto the wall above where I slept. To this day I have no idea why I did it as I would always mop it up with tissues straight afterwards. It left stains though and my mother once asked me what they were. I stuttered out the world's worst lie and said I'd sneezed phlegm onto the wall. She never brought it up again. She knew what it was.

I also jerked off at a friend's house once while they were all asleep and I was watching TV in their living room. His mother had left a pair of high heels on the floor and I sniffed them while abusing myself. I came on their carpet and rubbed it in with my foot. My only excuse was that I was 16 and had a boner for about 22 hours every day.
 
TheNanaDook

TheNanaDook

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Space_Pest said:
Around the same time my little brother was playing travel baseball and they would have doubleheaders on sundays like 2 hours away so theyd be gone from like 9 am to 7 pm.

That was time for me to set up shop, I would jerk till my dick was raw on the family desktop, I think my record was 5-6 times in that time period.

My parents had a bath with jets so I would say that my back was hurting or whatever, use their bathtub, would put my dick on there and bust a load.

I would also sometimes go to my brothers games, bored as fuck, and sit in the car in parking lot with my psp jerking off to saved images of shakira.
to be 13 again
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I would kill for it to be this easy again. I hate how specific I have to be now when looking up stuff to jerk off to, I miss just being able to see a simple shower scene in the movie and that gave me months worth of jerk material.
 
Former Prez Gerald Ford

Former Prez Gerald Ford

Come over and we’ll have nachos. And some beer.
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guest said:
Lol holy shit I used to do the same thing on my bedroom wall when I was a teenager. I would kneel at the head of my bed with the magazine in front of me and fire load onto the wall above where I slept. To this day I have no idea why I did it as I would always mop it up with tissues straight afterwards. It left stains though and my mother once asked me what they were. I stuttered out the world's worst lie and said I'd sneezed phlegm onto the wall. She never brought it up again. She knew what it was.

I also jerked off at a friend's house once while they were all asleep and I was watching TV in their living room. His mother had left a pair of high heels on the floor and I sniffed them while abusing myself. I came on their carpet and rubbed it in with my foot. My only excuse was that I was 16 and had a boner for about 22 hours every day.
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I definitely have some sort of autistic/OCD obsession to piss/shit/cum in the same exact spot. I worked at my last job for nearly 4 years and everyday I would drink several coffees and bottled waters in the morning and go out to the parking garage on lunch to piss in the exact same spot in the corner behind a support column.. every single fucking day. I would hold it in some days until I would almost piss my pants because I HAD to make it to my piss spot to relieve myself. I would pride myself on the rivers of piss I would create in that parking garage. After awhile that entire third floor smelled like the port authority
 
Ha Ha Ha Holeee Shit!

Ha Ha Ha Holeee Shit!

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guest said:
Lol holy shit I used to do the same thing on my bedroom wall when I was a teenager. I would kneel at the head of my bed with the magazine in front of me and fire load onto the wall above where I slept. To this day I have no idea why I did it as I would always mop it up with tissues straight afterwards. It left stains though and my mother once asked me what they were. I stuttered out the world's worst lie and said I'd sneezed phlegm onto the wall. She never brought it up again. She knew what it was.

I also jerked off at a friend's house once while they were all asleep and I was watching TV in their living room. His mother had left a pair of high heels on the floor and I sniffed them while abusing myself. I came on their carpet and rubbed it in with my foot. My only excuse was that I was 16 and had a boner for about 22 hours every day.
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:prance_md::prance_md::prance_md::prance_md::prance_md:
 
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guest

Guest
When I was 11 I would put 7th Heaven on Fox Family and rub my dick on the couch pillows whenever Jessica biel or Beverly Mitchell were on the screen. I would cum but I wasn't sure what was happening at the time.

In my adult life I went to "take a shit" and watch a Porto to decompress. Didn't realize why the volume wasn't working and realized I had it playing on the blue tooth speakers throughout the house.

Sorry kids!
 
Petworth dude

Petworth dude

Owner declined entry
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Some autistic Indian dude I went to high school with jerked off in the bathroom during lunch. It was so obvious it was him - he'd carry around this Eagles lunch box with him everywhere, and when it came time to spank the monkey, he'd leave the lunch box on the floor right under the stall wall for everyone to see. You could also clearly hear the "fap-fap-fap" sound. Once time I went into the bathroom and yelled "Ajay!" and he briefly stopped the fapping, but I'm sure he started right back up as soon as I left. This was not new behavior - apparently, he used to do this in middle school/junior high, and one guy I knew started banging on the stall door while he was cranking it.

Anyway, a couple years later, this kid sperged out when his computer stopped working and bit his mother's hands, leaving muscles and tendons exposed. Here's a news article on his arrest: http://www2.readingeagle.com/article.aspx?id=95815
 
JoeBrotheChildSpitGuzzler

JoeBrotheChildSpitGuzzler

I Am Racist Man Leader of the Digital Ku Klux Klan
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Paul fucks Kids said:
When I was 11 I would put 7th Heaven on Fox Family and rub my dick on the couch pillows whenever Jessica biel or Beverly Mitchell were on the screen. I would cum but I wasn't sure what was happening at the time.

In my adult life I went to "take a shit" and watch a Porto to decompress. Didn't realize why the volume wasn't working and realized I had it playing on the blue tooth speakers throughout the house.

Sorry kids!
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I used to get home first in HS so I'd go in the living room and watch IFC to beat off to one of the million movies about lesbians they showed. They could show tits and stuff and it was the best I could do at the time.
 
aRTie02150

aRTie02150

STEP OFF!
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I found one of my dad's porno DVDs in probably 2003 and borrowed it for a day and forgot to put it back until well after he had looked for it.

I came home from school and he was yelling at me, with the DVD in his hand, saying "did you have this?!" I didn't want to lie so I said yeah and he almost fucking hit me. Told me him and my mom had a big fight over it that morning because he thought she had found it and tossed it.
 
aRTie02150

aRTie02150

STEP OFF!
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Petworth_dude said:
Some autistic Indian dude I went to high school with jerked off in the bathroom during lunch. It was so obvious it was him - he'd carry around this Eagles lunch box with him everywhere, and when it came time to spank the monkey, he'd leave the lunch box on the floor right under the stall wall for everyone to see. You could also clearly hear the "fap-fap-fap" sound. Once time I went into the bathroom and yelled "Ajay!" and he briefly stopped the fapping, but I'm sure he started right back up as soon as I left. This was not new behavior - apparently, he used to do this in middle school/junior high, and one guy I knew started banging on the stall door while he was cranking it.

Anyway, a couple years later, this kid sperged out when his computer stopped working and bit his mother's hands, leaving muscles and tendons exposed. Here's a news article on his arrest: http://www2.readingeagle.com/article.aspx?id=95815
Click to expand...
Indian spergs are something else.
 
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