Funny divorce or break up stories

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

When I was 19 I got caught cheating on my first serious girlfriend. During a Friday dinner rush she drove to the Dominos parking lot where I was working, opened my car door, squatted down and pissed all over my front seats.

Thankfully there was a standard Chinese takeout place in the same strip mall. One Hung Low was smoking a cigarette behind his dumpster and watched the whole thing. He later described her vehicle to me upon learning the pissmobile was mine.

I'm sure he masturbated to the scene for decades. She was the hottest chick I've ever been with by some distance.

Everything else has been pretty mundane.

Why didn’t you lock your car doors?

 

[Imager]

When I was 19 I got caught cheating on my first serious girlfriend. During a Friday dinner rush she drove to the Dominos parking lot where I was working, opened my car door, squatted down and pissed all over my front seats.

Thankfully there was a standard Chinese takeout place in the same strip mall. One Hung Low was smoking a cigarette behind his dumpster and watched the whole thing. He later described her vehicle to me upon learning the pissmobile was mine.

I'm sure he masturbated to the scene for decades. She was the hottest chick I've ever been with by some distance.

Everything else has been pretty mundane.

Did your car smell good or did she eat asparagus first?

 

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

"Mayday! Mayday! I'm on fire! Mayday"

"Well, shut the fuck up so we can find out where you are!" WE HEARD YOU ALREADY!

"Mayday! I'm on fire!"

“I want MY special drink, MY drink. It’s vodka with a little cranberry juice and TWO LEMONS. Tell the bartender it’s for Dominic!”

 

[guest]

One of my oldest friends, we'll call him Ted, had parents who were both alcoholic lawyers (both were having affairs it later turned out) who were almost never home, so their big townhouse in Central London was the go-to party house in our group.

He came back from college one summer with his new girlfriend, "Lucy" for the sake of the story, and naturally we had a house party at his parents' place. There were probably only about 30 people there, but the place was fucking huge, so plenty of rooms to peel off to if you wanted to.

Around that part of Central London, there are also a lot of sleazy hotels (think the hotel where they do the deal at the end of Trainspotting). Nowadays they're probably full of illegal migrants on the taxpayer tit, but back then they were for junkies and backpackers. My friend's brother, let's call him Dick, went to pick up some weed and came back with this young Aussie guy (one of the backpackers I guess). It was random, but the guy was almost moronically cheerful, like a lot of them are, and seemed completely harmless, so was let in to the house. He happily attacked the free beer and pizza and, I at least, paid him no more mind.

A few hours later, Ted was wandering around drunkenly asking everyone he came across if they'd seen "Lucy". No, was the resounding answer. Dick, through his white widow haze, had a moment of premonitory clarity and said "where's the Aussie?" We went up to the top floor, where there were three rooms - Ted's bedroom, a bathroom and a smallish spare room that seemed to have no other function than as Dick's smoking and wanking lair.

I should point out that, despite the house's massive size and desirable location it was, inside, a shithole. After all, the two parents were rarely at home and were boozebags.

Well, you've guessed it. Inside Dick's masturbation furnace, there was "Lucy" on all fours, naked from the waist down, fully clothed from the waist up, while Crocodile Dundee merrily pumped away at her doggy-style.

A lot happened next in a very short time. Ted howled in outrage, turned away and ran to his room next door. His brother Dick turned red with rage, yelled "you fucking cheeky cunt" and attacked the Aussie guy, whose boner quickly disappeared. Me and my other friend ("Frank") just burst into drunk and stoned laughter.

The Aussie guy was very apologetic and insisted he had no idea Lucy and Ted were together, which calmed down Dick a bit, who then gave him 60 seconds to get out of the house. We went into Ted's room, where he was crying on his couch. Frank or Dick rolled a spliff and we tried to comfort him a bit. "Lucy" actually had the fucking brass to come in the room and ask if she could "talk to him in private." He told her to fuck off out of his house thankfully.

Sounds far-fetched

 

[midwit]

Why didn’t you lock your car doors?

Because it was a college kids car with manual locks, I lived in a white area and I was running late for work as usual. No need aside from the occasional piss-goblen.

 

[Stent]

I had a pretty bad breakup. I'd recently been fired from a company I'd been really putting the hours into. It was my whole life. I was fucking devastated and kinda went a bit nuts. I ended up in South America just fucking around doing dodgy shit and watching out for every jungle-nigger guerilla with a problem. Eventually I met a retarded blonde broad there who was basically completely out of her depth. Being a woman she wouldn't just fuck off back home to America, she had to create a scene everywhere she went and I got dragged into it. She was pretty hot so I should've known better, but we eventually ended up together and moved to Nantucket of all places. We bought a house and everything seemed ok but I got mixed up in some stupid shit my brother started. Next thing I know there's problems at work because of a bud. So she decides she doesn't love me anymore. We get into this massive fight and both fall off a balcony. I still loved the bitch and as we were both on the ground bleeding I told her "Douglas doesn't miss".

And then I met Antman and became the president while looking for my junkie daughter.

 

[Torque’sHeadBump]

One of my oldest friends, we'll call him Ted, had parents who were both alcoholic lawyers (both were having affairs it later turned out) who were almost never home, so their big townhouse in Central London was the go-to party house in our group.

He came back from college one summer with his new girlfriend, "Lucy" for the sake of the story, and naturally we had a house party at his parents' place. There were probably only about 30 people there, but the place was fucking huge, so plenty of rooms to peel off to if you wanted to.

Around that part of Central London, there are also a lot of sleazy hotels (think the hotel where they do the deal at the end of Trainspotting). Nowadays they're probably full of illegal migrants on the taxpayer tit, but back then they were for junkies and backpackers. My friend's brother, let's call him Dick, went to pick up some weed and came back with this young Aussie guy (one of the backpackers I guess). It was random, but the guy was almost moronically cheerful, like a lot of them are, and seemed completely harmless, so was let in to the house. He happily attacked the free beer and pizza and, I at least, paid him no more mind.

A few hours later, Ted was wandering around drunkenly asking everyone he came across if they'd seen "Lucy". No, was the resounding answer. Dick, through his white widow haze, had a moment of premonitory clarity and said "where's the Aussie?" We went up to the top floor, where there were three rooms - Ted's bedroom, a bathroom and a smallish spare room that seemed to have no other function than as Dick's smoking and wanking lair.

I should point out that, despite the house's massive size and desirable location it was, inside, a shithole. After all, the two parents were rarely at home and were boozebags.

Well, you've guessed it. Inside Dick's masturbation furnace, there was "Lucy" on all fours, naked from the waist down, fully clothed from the waist up, while Crocodile Dundee merrily pumped away at her doggy-style.

A lot happened next in a very short time. Ted howled in outrage, turned away and ran to his room next door. His brother Dick turned red with rage, yelled "you fucking cheeky cunt" and attacked the Aussie guy, whose boner quickly disappeared. Me and my other friend ("Frank") just burst into drunk and stoned laughter.

The Aussie guy was very apologetic and insisted he had no idea Lucy and Ted were together, which calmed down Dick a bit, who then gave him 60 seconds to get out of the house. We went into Ted's room, where he was crying on his couch. Frank or Dick rolled a spliff and we tried to comfort him a bit. "Lucy" actually had the fucking brass to come in the room and ask if she could "talk to him in private." He told her to fuck off out of his house thankfully.

I know what we won’t call you: “Mr. Keeps Things Brief”

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

I had a pretty bad breakup. I'd recently been fired from a company I'd been really putting the hours into. It was my whole life. I was fucking devastated and kinda went a bit nuts. I ended up in South America just fucking around doing dodgy shit and watching out for every jungle-nigger guerilla with a problem. Eventually I met a retarded blonde broad there who was basically completely out of her depth. Being a woman she wouldn't just fuck off back home to America, she had to create a scene everywhere she went and I got dragged into it. She was pretty hot so I should've known better, but we eventually ended up together and moved to Nantucket of all places. We bought a house and everything seemed ok but I got mixed up in some stupid shit my brother started. Next thing I know there's problems at work because of a bud. So she decides she doesn't love me anymore. We get into this massive fight and both fall off a balcony. I still loved the bitch and as we were both on the ground bleeding I told her "Douglas doesn't miss".

And then I met Antman and became the president while looking for my junkie daughter.

 

[WhereWeAt]

One of my oldest friends, we'll call him Ted, had parents who were both alcoholic lawyers (both were having affairs it later turned out) who were almost never home, so their big townhouse in Central London was the go-to party house in our group.

He came back from college one summer with his new girlfriend, "Lucy" for the sake of the story, and naturally we had a house party at his parents' place. There were probably only about 30 people there, but the place was fucking huge, so plenty of rooms to peel off to if you wanted to.

Around that part of Central London, there are also a lot of sleazy hotels (think the hotel where they do the deal at the end of Trainspotting). Nowadays they're probably full of illegal migrants on the taxpayer tit, but back then they were for junkies and backpackers. My friend's brother, let's call him Dick, went to pick up some weed and came back with this young Aussie guy (one of the backpackers I guess). It was random, but the guy was almost moronically cheerful, like a lot of them are, and seemed completely harmless, so was let in to the house. He happily attacked the free beer and pizza and, I at least, paid him no more mind.

A few hours later, Ted was wandering around drunkenly asking everyone he came across if they'd seen "Lucy". No, was the resounding answer. Dick, through his white widow haze, had a moment of premonitory clarity and said "where's the Aussie?" We went up to the top floor, where there were three rooms - Ted's bedroom, a bathroom and a smallish spare room that seemed to have no other function than as Dick's smoking and wanking lair.

I should point out that, despite the house's massive size and desirable location it was, inside, a shithole. After all, the two parents were rarely at home and were boozebags.

Well, you've guessed it. Inside Dick's masturbation furnace, there was "Lucy" on all fours, naked from the waist down, fully clothed from the waist up, while Crocodile Dundee merrily pumped away at her doggy-style.

A lot happened next in a very short time. Ted howled in outrage, turned away and ran to his room next door. His brother Dick turned red with rage, yelled "you fucking cheeky cunt" and attacked the Aussie guy, whose boner quickly disappeared. Me and my other friend ("Frank") just burst into drunk and stoned laughter.

The Aussie guy was very apologetic and insisted he had no idea Lucy and Ted were together, which calmed down Dick a bit, who then gave him 60 seconds to get out of the house. We went into Ted's room, where he was crying on his couch. Frank or Dick rolled a spliff and we tried to comfort him a bit. "Lucy" actually had the fucking brass to come in the room and ask if she could "talk to him in private." He told her to fuck off out of his house thankfully.

 

[guest]

I know what we won’t call you: “Mr. Keeps Things Brief”
[BOC][/BOC]

Think of it as a gift. You young whippersnappers these days with your ticker tocks and youtubes. No ability to concentrate! Read my post and then crack a book!

 

[Smeckler's Powder]

I cried a lot

The chick in your profile pic?

 

[Riccardo Bosi]

When I was 22 we broke up after four years and I insisted that she give "my Xbox back" even though I gave it to her as a gift. I was such a sad faggot.

 

[Smeckler's Powder]

Dumpin' in the tub.

TWU

 

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

When I was 22 we broke up after four years and I insisted that she give "my Xbox back" even though I gave it to her as a gift. I was such a sad faggot.

Did she even play Xbox though? Asking for gifts back is kind of shitty though. I wonder how many exes still wear the jewelry I bought them. Probably none haha.

 

[Smeckler's Powder]

In the interest of keeping it brief: bitches are shit

 

[Smeckler's Powder]

Basically, I've been like a bumper car, more or less. Just bumping into different hot bitches and such, shooting my goo.

 

[Dog Eater]

When my parents split up my mother spent the night at a friends house and my father angrily took the mechanism out of the door locks so they could only be opened from the inside and drilled screws through the window frames so she couldn’t open them to climb through. Then when she failed to show up and attempt to defeat his fortress of solitude he drove us over to the friends house and dragged her into the car by her hair while we sobbed in the back.

After he moved out he showed up with flowers and a card for her with a message of love inside. When she wouldn’t take the card he punched her in the face repeatedly haha.

 

[WhereWeAt]

When my parents split up my mother spent the night at a friends house and my father angrily took the mechanism out of the door locks so they could only be opened from the inside and drilled screws through the window frames so she couldn’t open them to climb through. Then when she failed to show up and attempt to defeat his fortress of solitude he drove us over to the friends house and dragged her into the car by her hair while we sobbed in the back.

After he moved out he showed up with flowers and a card for her with a message of love inside. When she wouldn’t take the card he punched her in the face repeatedly haha.

Let me be the first to welcome Layla to the forums.

 

[guest]

When my parents split up my mother spent the night at a friends house and my father angrily took the mechanism out of the door locks so they could only be opened from the inside and drilled screws through the window frames so she couldn’t open them to climb through. Then when she failed to show up and attempt to defeat his fortress of solitude he drove us over to the friends house and dragged her into the car by her hair while we sobbed in the back.

After he moved out he showed up with flowers and a card for her with a message of love inside. When she wouldn’t take the card he punched her in the face repeatedly haha.

Who says romance is dead

 

[Riccardo Bosi]

Did she even play Xbox though? Asking for gifts back is kind of shitty though. I wonder how many exes still wear the jewelry I bought them. Probably none haha.

Yeah we used to play Halo and Left 4 Dead, stuff like that. She was pretty cool because she'd let me play something like GTA4 while she played The Sims and we'd be barely talking in the same room. She was a rabid feminist though. Her pierced nipples on her big fawkin tits were great though.