Book Report: Gate Crashers by Patrick S. Tomlinson.

PogromStallone

Give Me Some Money
On humanity’s first extra-solar mission, the exploration vessel Magellan discovers an alien construction. Deciding that finding advanced alien life is too important to ignore, the ship’s captain chooses to return to Earth while reverse engineering technology far beyond anything back home.

Meanwhile, at mission control, the governments struggle to keep the existence of aliens a secret while also combating bureaucracy, the military industrial complex, and everyone else who wants a piece of the science that could sky-rocket our species into a new technological golden age.

Little does everyone involved know that the bumbling of a few highly-evolved apes in space hasn’t gone unnoticed, and humanity has put itself on a collision course with a far wider, and potentially hostile, galaxy.

Because, in space, no one can see you screw up…


Where do I even begin? Patrick shows us why he's the master of sci-fi comedy. A lesser writer might try to go for something original but Patrick knows what has already worked and is damn sure to repeat it for us.

Much like Tarantino would take ingredients from 70's Japan, 90's Hong Kong and 60's Italy in order to serve us haute cuisine in the form of cinema, Patrick snatches already prepared meals from successful sci-fi franchises and throws it in the micro wave for our delight.

Do not worry, Patrick is not afraid to upset the status quo with his biting commentary. In a world where man has colonized the moon and space travel is commonplace, there are still people who think the moon landing was fake and that the Earth is flat. It's about time someone had the balls to go after them.

Not even Europe is safe from Patrick's meaty paws as he swipes at the Celsius temperature scale. He's saying what we're all thinking but didn't have the words to properly convey. Zero is zero, you can't go lower than that and so the coldest temperature should be zero.

Eagle eyed readers might have picked up on the easter eggs Patrick put in there as he makes reference to his other job as a stand-up comedian. As it turns out, they still exist in the future and they are just as funny as they are today! "Do androids think of oxidization as an irritating skin condition?" is just one of the adroitly crafted jokes we are treated to.

But the comedy doesn't stop there. Whereas a novice writer might say that a character is sleeping, Patrick knows we need more than that. Instead, he tells us that a character is sawing logs big enough they could work as a dam.

This is a writer to look out for. There is not a doubt in my mind he will develop a following that will obsess over and analyze everything he writes, not unlike Tolkien.
 

Gay Faggot.

I am Dan.
I’m taking a big wet shit right now and I reached down to pull my ass cheeks fully apart and as a result my hand smells like shit by association.

That’s your hands, eyes and brain now, they smell like shit that will linger for a while because you got too close to the writings of Patrick S. Tomlinson.
Fortunately, I know a good cleaning service.
:dm_large:
 

TorqueWheeler

Dan doesn't have a penis. I. Do.
His ridiculous over-reliance on cringe metaphors and analogies is the worst of many terrible aspects that make up his writing style. He is utter dogshit.

While we're here, does anyone have any decent screengrabs of his screenplay? I was talking to someone about the opening dialogue in his submarine one and they didn't believe me.
 

Stent

what da?
"Your abilities are too infant-like for doing much alone."

shakespeare-family-scene.jpg
 
I pirated all his audiobooks but couldn't yet muster up the courage to torture myself with them. I think it was Gate Crashers the one that I clicked on some random chapter and heard some faggot character talking about drinking Mountain Dew and Miller witih 20 seconds. What a fat faggot.
Who does the readings for the audiobooks? If It's Rick you're sitting on a goldmine.
 
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