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You wake up, and you are in Patrick Tomlinsons body. What do you do?

MunchausenByProxy

MunchausenByProxy

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The first thing I’d do is contemplate suicide, but then I would come to my senses and start formulating a plan. It’s a rough spot. 41 years old and absolutely zero skills, no college degree and zero savings.
My first financial move would be to create a Cameo because I would make a killing off you guys by saying whatever you ask me. As Im collecting money Im getting in shape right away. I take a loan from Warbucks Robinson and move into a major city on the east coast, leaving Niki without a trace and leaving my whole life behind. Get an under the table job at a bar because Im completely unqualified to do anything but tap kegs and take out the trash, and its too late to start acquiring skills. Ya know what, shit I would actually just wind up killing myself anyway
 
Torque’sHeadBump

Torque’sHeadBump

(Voluntarily) torqued boomer
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First thing I do is run to the bathroom (morning beer shit is a given when you’re Pig). Then I’d inspect the micro peen and loff about the posts I’d make here. We still have our forums account, right? I’ll take that as a “yes.”

After the laughter and liquid Miller High Life shit, I’d start making my breakfast for today. Irish breakfast tea with extra milk and sugar, followed by a hard fried egg, raw spinach, toast with chunk peanut butter, and pancakes with maple syrup. My wife apparently forgot to buy canned corn. This is not good. However, my body requires a lot of carbs for energy, since I’ll be running a triathlon in a few months (actually, I’ll just run about 3 km and call it a day). This breakfast will be posted to my Twitter, and then I’ll check over here at the forums to check how long it took for you rascals to see it.

Following this, I’d post here and on Twitter all day, probably would crack a beer at around noon and contemplate heading down to Hooligans. I’d get on my bike and drive down there, drink to excess, and come home to my frumpy wife. Dinner will be some brats and cheese curds, with another 3 beers to loosen up the mood. Old Testament sex would follow.

The last thing I’d do would be to call up Resto and drop the lolsuit. I would also call up and get Joseph Cumia’s gigs cancelled, ensuring tons of milk from our favorite cow and creating a new link in the O&A universe. You’re all welcome, children.
 
MunchausenByProxy

MunchausenByProxy

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Jim’sHeadBump said:
First thing I do is run to the bathroom (morning beer shit is a given when you’re Pig). Then I’d inspect the micro peen and loff about the posts I’d make here. We still have our forums account, right? I’ll take that as a “yes.”

After the laughter and liquid Miller High Life shit, I’d start making my breakfast for today. Irish breakfast tea with extra milk and sugar, followed by a hard fried egg, raw spinach, toast with chunk peanut butter, and pancakes with maple syrup. My wife apparently forgot to buy canned corn. This is not good. However, my body requires a lot of carbs for energy, since I’ll be running a triathlon in a few months (actually, I’ll just run about 3 km and call it a day). This breakfast will be posted to my Twitter, and then I’ll check over here at the forums to check how long it took for you rascals to see it.

Following this, I’d post here and on Twitter all day, probably would crack a beer at around noon and contemplate heading down to Hooligans. I’d get on my bike and drive down there, drink to excess, and come home to my frumpy wife. Dinner will be some brats and cheese curds, with another 3 beers to loosen up the mood. Old Testament sex would follow.

The last thing I’d do would be to call up Resto and drop the lolsuit. I would also call up and get Joseph Cumia’s gigs cancelled, ensuring tons of milk from our favorite cow and creating a new link in the O&A universe. You’re all welcome, children.
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It would be an absolute must to provide great content for the forums. Just do something bizarre like confess homosexuality publicly on twitter as Patrick. That would be an all time forum moment.
 
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1. Delete my Twitter account
2. Drop all lolsuits, declare bankruptcy so I don't owe anybody anything.
3. Since I have my same brain apparently, get a real high paying job using skills that I already have. If not relearn those skills
4. Give PCJ and Ade a call and apologize for being a petty cunt, tell them I'm ready to be a man and see my daughter.
5. Go on a KetOMAD starvation diet and profusely hit the gym so I no longer look like a disgusting slob. Perhaps take some testosterone.
6. Divorce Niki and find someone younger who isn't a lesbian and start an actual family

This is if I don't immediately kill myself for waking up as Patrick S. Tomlinson
 
MunchausenByProxy

MunchausenByProxy

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John Doe 1 said:
1. Delete my Twitter account
2. Drop all lolsuits, declare bankruptcy so I don't owe anybody anything.
3. Since I have my same brain apparently, get a real high paying job using skills that I already have. If not relearn those skills
4. Give PCJ and Ade a call and apologize for being a petty cunt, tell them I'm ready to be a man and see my daughter.
5. Go on a KetOMAD starvation diet and profusely hit the gym so I no longer look like a disgusting slob. Perhaps take some testosterone.
6. Divorce Niki and find someone younger who isn't a lesbian and start an actual family

This is if I don't immediately kill myself for waking up as Patrick S. Tomlinson
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Not a bad plan, except you can scratch #4 because they definitely blocked Pat on all formats so good luck reaching them, and even if you showed up at their place they would call the cops, or Jon would just straight up kick your ass.
 
G

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Get on a scale and whatever the total resolve to weigh at least 30 lbs less for starters. Apologize to my parents at least as a formality considering that they’re partially responsible for my current handicap.

Then I’d get a job. Any job. Entry level construction, warehouse lifting, food service whatever in an attempt to begin to respect myself.

As an aside I’d probably start being offered a lot more sex from my wife who has found an entire new reservoir of respect for me. That in and of itself would motivate me even more to get out of the house because Ew. You’re gross, Robinson.
 
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CQ_1 said:
Get on a scale and whatever the total resolve to weigh at least 30 lbs less for starters. Apologize to my parents at least as a formality considering that they’re partially responsible for my current handicap.

Then I’d get a job. Any job. Entry level construction, warehouse lifting, food service whatever in an attempt to begin to respect myself.

As an aside I’d probably start being offered a lot more sex from my wife who has found an entire new reservoir of respect for me. That in and of itself would motivate me even more to get out of the house because Ew. You’re gross, Robinson.
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NoBacon

NoBacon

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It would take a long time to lose that weight and be normal, and I suspect at that point he will always look bloated and round and fat. There’s a point where fat people will always look fat even if they lose the weight.

I actually have a fitness question that hopefully Carol can see and answer. I like running and I don’t have a big appetite, so I’ve always been slim but last year I read this article about the average fitness of a US marine, how many press ups/pull ups they can do etc. I wanted to be able to do it, so I made it my goal and after months of daily practice and forcing myself to eat more calories I could comfortably hit the same numbers in this article. Then I just stopped doing it and I lost the ability completely, I’m back to square 1. Do you literally need to train all the time to stay in shape? Am I just fighting a losing battle of genetics to be a twink?

tldr Pat is fat and hasn’t got long to live
 
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