Why the fuck was I told that The Black Phone is a good horror movie?

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

This is fucking terrible. I might've liked this when I was like 12, but I still doubt it. This is the one everyone was raving about when it came out. I assume that Longlegs movie is just as shitty because it got even more praise. It Follows was the other big "you GOTTA see this" movie and was just kind of okay. What the fuck happened to everyone's tastes? It's not even just the critical reception. I've had sane people tell me to my face that these are great horror movies. "Durr Ethan Hawke is probably the greatest horror villain of the last 20 years." He's a psycho with a mask. Definitely haven't seen that before.

 

[Nigger John]

I didn’t mind it

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

His dad's an abusive, alcoholic bum but he pays for the kid to play baseball? Yeah, that's how abusive, alcoholic bums operate. FUCK OFF OUTTA HERE.

 

[Leonard Rhomberg]

Googled it and the monster on the cover looks like a silly goose. You should have known

 

[wbgreen]

It was based on a story written by Stephen King's kid, so nepotism was at play.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

I just read ahead on Wikipedia. This scrawny little bitch of a kid ends up killing the guy by snapping his neck with a phone cord. I'm pretty sure I couldn't snap someone's neck with a phone cord. FUCK OFF OUTTA HERE.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

Oh so this faggot's brother is staying with him and is never like "Hey, Al, why do you sit shirtless in your kitchen holding a belt in that spooky mask while you stare at the basement door for like 14 hours a day?"

FUCK OFF OUTTA HERE

 

[FamilyDollar]

I watched it on a plane and was amazed by how fucking boring it was.

That's all I got, punching out.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

Oh so this faggot's brother is staying with him and is never like "Hey, Al, why do you sit shirtless in your kitchen holding a belt in that spooky mask while you stare at the basement door for like 14 hours a day?"

FUCK OFF OUTTA HERE

Also, why would the fucking idiot even let his brother stay with him when he has a fucking kidnapped child in his unlocked basement?

FUCK

OFF

OUTTA

HERE

 

[Leonard Rhomberg]

Was going to watch but looks like I got the gist of it

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

Was going to watch but looks like I got the gist of it

It seems like a kid wrote it. It's like something I would've come up with for grade 7 creative writing with all the retarded and implausible plotholes.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

There's a part where the kid fakes sleeping when the guy comes down to the basement, and he rolls over onto his stomach, ass up. Good fucking idea, kid.

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

Hey, faggot kid, when you escape from the guy who's going to murder you and he chases, don't just run down the fucking sidewalk, idiot FAGGOT. Run to someone's FUCKING DOOR, FAGGOT. YOU'RE IN A DENSE NEIGHBORHOOD YOU FUCKING FAGGOT KID.

I'M NOT WATCHING ANYMORE OF THIS SHIT. FUCK IT. I'M DONE.

 

[Leonard Rhomberg]

There's a part where the kid fakes sleeping when the guy comes down to the basement, and he rolls over onto his stomach, ass up. Good fucking idea, kid.

“Do you want a blow job”

 

[Harry Powell]

This is fucking terrible. I might've liked this when I was like 12, but I still doubt it. This is the one everyone was raving about when it came out. I assume that Longlegs movie is just as shitty because it got even more praise. It Follows was the other big "you GOTTA see this" movie and was just kind of okay. What the fuck happened to everyone's tastes? It's not even just the critical reception. I've had sane people tell me to my face that these are great horror movies. "Durr Ethan Hawke is probably the greatest horror villain of the last 20 years." He's a psycho with a mask. Definitely haven't seen that before.

I like all three of those movies.

 

[PogromStallone]

Completely agree, couldn't believe how hyped it was.

 

[Dummy Gaynuts]

You should watch "the bye bye man", i promise it doesn't completely suck shit

 

[BUBBLER]

I just read ahead on Wikipedia. This scrawny little bitch of a kid ends up killing the guy by snapping his neck with a phone cord. I'm sure I couldn't snap someone's neck with a phone cord as I’ve tried(Native women have big strong necks)FUCK OFF OUTTA HERE.

 

[aRTie02150]

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

The ones with no sleeves were supposed to be super tough, badass kids. You can tell because they have no sleeves. That's the same reason Joe Cumia hacks all his sleeves off to this day.