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Growing up in a toxic family and misogynistic family is pure hell. I'm the middle child, I hve 3 brothers, one of them is younger than me. 2 sisters, one is younger. As the middle child, I witnessed it all. My dad cheated, myom crying, my dad fought with my brothers. Trying to kill each other me as the 9 yo has to endured everything our neighbors said. I heard the insult, I heard the gossip. I'm aware of the stares and pity. When I was a kid I was abused physically by my oldest brother. He would forced me to popped his pimple for hours, search for his white hair, scratching his back, pluck his armpit hair. He was 20 I was 8/9/10 continued until highschool. I would be his leave for hours sitting on a cold floor, while he slept, playing games and reading on his bed. This caused issues on my lower back. My lower back hurts if I sit for a long time now. My second brother, sexually abused me. It started when I was 6, the moment my younger sister was born, he started. My parents would be so busy for my sister and I will be left alone with him. If I ask for help, he would ask me to suck his d bfr helping me. He would bring me to my grandma's house(beside our house) and would touch me inappropriately. One time my grandma cought him touching me, I was 7. I didn't know it's wrong and my grandma scolded him, he never comes to my grandma's house anymore. I started my period when I was 9, early, ik. I dk why. Since I got my period, my body just automatically refused him. I'm disgusted. I slept at the living room since my older and younger sister sleep in the room. And he slept in the living room too, but far away from me. He would sneak near me and would touch me while I'm asleep. But I didn't act sleep. I started wearing long shirt and trousers to sleep. I didn't sleep at night, until Im sure he's asleep. Whenever I heard a footstep nearing me, I would purposely make a noise and moves. I sleep a lot at school. When the teacher calls my dad to school to ask why I slept a lot in class, instead of asking me why, I was beaten. With a rattan, hanger and plastic pipes. I endured it all. My oldest sister is lucky, my oldest brother adored her, he never told her to do what he asks me to. She also is quite close with my sec brother, and he respect her a lot. I'm the prey to both of them. I put myself as the protector for my youngest sibling. The would make a mess and arguing, my oldest brother will yell, hit the walls and threaten to hit them, but I put my self as the barricade, I would be the one they yelled at, ask me to do things I don't want to, beat me in my younger sibling's place. Im okay with that as long as my younger siblings is safe. I have the mindset of I didn't want them to experience or got through what I did as a child. If my sec brother tried to touch my younger sister inappropriately, I would yell and tell my mom. She never does anything about it. In her words, "he's still your brother and my son" I hate it. The thing that hurts me and make me feel like it's okay if her daughter got hurt, as long as her sons is safe. I told that my sec brother has been sexually abused me when I was a kid, and she said " why didn't you tell me earlier" and dismissed it. Early this year, my oldest brother got mad at me bcs I raised my voice at him, since he's hitting me "playfully" on my arms. It hurts, and I just come back from my job. I'm tired and hurt,so I raised my voice saying I didn't want to cater to his play. He chokes me Infront of my mom, she pacify him, hi chokes me for about 3 minits, in my room. I was crying, shaking, and barely breathing. What hurts me the most is, my mom bring him out of my room and happily chatted with him in the living room, laughing and sharing stories like he didn't just try to kill me in front of her. What drive me to this point today is, my youngest brother. He woke up.late, eating and suddenly breaking into a fit. He's yelling, throwing things and hitting the walls bcs a cat stole his piece of chicken. He throws the food on the floor and yelling. My younger sister has a panic attacks. I have to comfort her, while crying myself. Our neighbors chatted me on ws and she asks if I want her to intervene. I'm ashamed. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I want to die. I don't want to be in this world anymore. My younger sister calls my dad, and he picks her up to our second house. She left just like that. It was so easy. While I'm here trynna hold myself from ending it. I'm left alone in our vacation house with my youngest brother. Nobody check on me, just my neighbor. I'm thankfully at least I know I have to reply to her chat. I feel like I could just take my pills like 20 or so. I have a lot of pills. Medicine. Maybe my cat's medicine. I also have a knife and scissors on my table. It so easy. I just didn't who will take care of my cat if I'm gone. I'm worried about her. She's about to gave birth. I pity my body, pity her to have me as the owner.
