Just to reiterate and beat this idea into the ground, ALL pat has to do to make this all stop is to agree that he lost and take an L from either Ernie or Bert. Over text, over twitter, on a phone call, just admit he lost, take an L from some anonymous texter that he will never meet and all of this ends. No more lost jobs, no more lost lawsuits, no more lost money, no more calls to his wife, no more tracking every person on earth who might help his career, no more arson complaints, no more screaming at cops at 1 am. Just say "I lost, I'll take the L, anonymous stranger" The only explanation for this is that he actually likes the attention, it gives him something to do while he's not working or at least an excuse for why he is not working.
But he really will won’t he? I steal a lot of it myself but half is just me talking like a medieval despot, I know what’s mine and what’s lifted and when he steals my shit I’m going to be none ironically mad.