Okay, tell me what you’re working on. Do you have an elevator pitch? Have a publisher lined up? Deadline? Let’s get excited...

[TorqueWheeler]

I say this with all sincerity as someone who actually does this for a living (quite successfully too) - If someone who isn’t already famous pitched “A grown Tiny Tim...” to me I’d have already told them to fuck off before the next word slopped out of their pig mouth.

Trash like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies already exists, Pig and the world is worse off for it in every way. You’re basically pitching a feature length Family Guy cutaway except it won’t even be that funny because you’re writing it.

 

[SmellenShoehorn]

And odds are those likes come from whatever multiple accounts he has. When he was fighting with the various Household items like his toilet the only person liking them was Niki

I think those were genuine - Niki really has it in for that toilet

 

[DeadWithoutMyDavid]

The murderer: JACK THE RIPPER!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet that's his exact idea. Either that or it's Professor Moriarty.

 

[DeadWithoutMyDavid]

This is a great idea. It would make for the most amazing noir film.

"Forget it, Jake. It's Downstown."

Forget it Jake, it's Play-Doh.

He gets the nose bandage from picking it too much

 

[Stent]

Forget it Jake, it's Play-Doh.

He gets the nose bandage from picking it too much

"My name is Burden. I'm a gumshoe and good at my job. Some broad wants me to help find her lost cat. I'll charge her a sawbuck. I got bills to pay. But I patted that cat and it's already dead."

 

[JoeBrotheChildSpitGuzzler]

Forget it Jake, it's Play-Doh.

He gets the nose bandage from picking it too much

The SFWA would definitely go for the daughter fucking part

 

[MonsterSteve]

The murderer: JACK THE RIPPER!!!!!!!!!!!

IN SPACE!

 

[Brooke Shields]

He comes up with these insane ideas for action stories but then doesn't write any action scenes. The entire premise is built around a "bloody rampage" but 99% of the book will be haughty dialogue and terrible similes. When you go to a John Wick film, you don't want to see 90 minutes of every other character being afraid to fight John Wick. They all know John Wick is the toughest guy on the planet so they all cower in fear because they are afraid of getting beat up by him.

View attachment 20132

This is easily the biggest "Action" scene from In The Black. Earlier in the chapter Tyson's robot girlfriend turns evil, tries to choke her, but his human love interest Elsa comes back and shoots the evil robot. They escape but the robot takes over other robotics because that's what robots do.

He spends most of the time explaining that the explosions in "the holos" aren't realistic. The robot launches one missile at our hero, then the longtime doorman named Reggie shoots the robot and the threat is immediately neutralized, so Patrick can get back to snappy dialogue. No need to fight the giant robot mecha, eventually figuring out a clever way to defeat it like they do in the holos. Here's a black guy named Reggie and he's got a gun that kills giant mechas.

Yeah I've noticed with the books I like that they usually have something big and action-like not just story-like happen by the end of the first third of the book, at worst halfway thru, and for an entire chapter at the very least.
Those action parts are the parts of the book that stick with you cause they're a more exciting payoff after reading 100 pages of a story.

He took 10 sentences to have an action scene play out. A good book can have that spread over 3 chapters, but those are books that are written by people who outline full stories and then flesh out how they could make them more interesting

 

[guest]

The murderer: JACK THE RIPPER!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the guy who thought up Fonald Plump. It will be something like Mack the Zipper.

 

[Steroid Maximus]

Here's the thing though: there's also a pandemic and the conservatives want people to continue on with their daily lives anyways. It's really subtle commentary on modern society, people may pick up on the parallels.

I fucking hate him. He's so bad at this.

 

[Cptbaldopie]

I bet that's his exact idea. Either that or it's Professor Moriarty.

Are you telling me in the second book theybtry to recruit holmes but hes not interested buthen in the 3rd book he joins them but dies and watson joins them?

 

[Uncle Floyd]

Are you telling me in the second book theybtry to recruit holmes but hes not interested buthen in the 3rd book he joins them but dies and watson joins them?

And Watson's assistant is a young aristocrat who has a way with the ladies (which will be a running gag the entire book) named James. James Bond. In turn of the century London, but you fucking know that's something he'd do.

Edit: If we aren't careful, we might spoil his entire WIP.

 

[Torque’sHeadBump]

If sports-pat ™ had ever gone to an actual baseball game, he'd have noticed this first hand.

He goes to them but he is too busy taking selfies with his fridge wife, drinking Miller Lite, eating, and tweeting. That poor, poor Brewer’s jersey.

 

[Chive Turkey]

If you think the concept doesn't sound bad enough, keep in mind that he's openly stated he's going to shoehorn Brexit into it.

 

[TomFromNawlins]

He comes up with these insane ideas for action stories but then doesn't write any action scenes. The entire premise is built around a "bloody rampage" but 99% of the book will be haughty dialogue and terrible similes. When you go to a John Wick film, you don't want to see 90 minutes of every other character being afraid to fight John Wick. They all know John Wick is the toughest guy on the planet so they all cower in fear because they are afraid of getting beat up by him.

View attachment 20132

This is easily the biggest "Action" scene from In The Black. Earlier in the chapter Tyson's robot girlfriend turns evil, tries to choke her, but his human love interest Elsa comes back and shoots the evil robot. They escape but the robot takes over other robotics because that's what robots do.

He spends most of the time explaining that the explosions in "the holos" aren't realistic. The robot launches one missile at our hero, then the longtime doorman named Reggie shoots the robot and the threat is immediately neutralized, so Patrick can get back to snappy dialogue. No need to fight the giant robot mecha, eventually figuring out a clever way to defeat it like they do in the holos. Here's a black guy named Reggie and he's got a gun that kills giant mechas.

“A scientist, praying?”

That’s right. No scientist would ever, and I mean ever, humble himself before an omnipotent creator who set all things in motion and granted him the gift of being able to observe them in order to seek greater understanding. They’re all special boy atheists like me.

“This most beautiful system of the sun, planets and comets, could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being...
This Being governs all things, not as the soul of the world, but as Lord over all; and on account of his dominion he is wont, to be called Lord God or Universal Ruler.”
—Isaac Newton

 

[Will Tate]

“A scientist, praying?”

That’s right. No scientist would ever, and I mean ever, humble himself before an omnipotent creator who set all things in motion and granted him the gift of being able to observe them in order to seek greater understanding. They’re all special boy atheists like me.

“This most beautiful system of the sun, planets and comets, could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being...
This Being governs all things, not as the soul of the world, but as Lord over all; and on account of his dominion he is wont, to be called Lord God or Universal Ruler.”
—Isaac Newton

You think Mama Raven's super-smart sci-fi author boy is aware that the cosmologist who came up with the Big Bang Theory was a Catholic priest?

 

[TomFromNawlins]

You think Mama Raven's super-smart sci-fi author boy is aware that the cosmologist who came up with the Big Bang Theory was a Catholic priest?

A lie, child, one you continue to tell yourself to this day.

 

[Bin_The_Blacks]

Her eyes said "no" but the lead-based paint on her walls said "yes"...
View attachment 20145

"She was the sort of dame that made you wanna make werewolf movies."

 

[The REAL JDA]

I'm going to stick a middle finger to publishers and just put out a book and make money.

 

[Joe Eyed Cow]

His chin and fat neck have formed to make a butt, he's fat