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I'm 25, have never been with a woman, never held hand / intimacy / etc.
There was a deep sense of shame in me being 25 and still a virgin, and my lack of success in dating apps lead me to believe that my lack of confidence in women stems from a lack of intimacy with them. This unfortunately lead me down the path of sex workers, as a form of practice before the real thing. And that when I do have a real partner, I do not let her down sexually.
Time was arranged, everything was with protection. The experience itself was good, and ironically I never finished but made sure she did. For whatever reason I was more focused on her pleasure than mine. Performance anxiety was real.
I still have a deep sense that a part of me has died. My first experience has been with an sex worker and I cannot undo this fact now. It doesn't help that I have nobody to turn to for releasing this guilt. Something about this experience feels morally wrong.
It has only been 28? hours since the incident and I still feel horrible.
I care about this individual on a human level, I am considering seeing her again just to talk to her and make sure what she's doing is not forced or coercion. I have had this internal debate with myself and feel like it's the morally right thing to do. I know it's all an act, but this experience has taught me that I care more about women on an emotional level than I do physical. And it hurts.
EDIT: I had a good cry in the shower. I realized I am not a perfect slate anymore, but nearly nobody is. Everybody has a past and history. We are in a world where sexual promiscuity is the norm. My upbringing has lead me to believe a clean slate is the only way in life.
There was a deep sense of shame in me being 25 and still a virgin, and my lack of success in dating apps lead me to believe that my lack of confidence in women stems from a lack of intimacy with them. This unfortunately lead me down the path of sex workers, as a form of practice before the real thing. And that when I do have a real partner, I do not let her down sexually.
Time was arranged, everything was with protection. The experience itself was good, and ironically I never finished but made sure she did. For whatever reason I was more focused on her pleasure than mine. Performance anxiety was real.
I still have a deep sense that a part of me has died. My first experience has been with an sex worker and I cannot undo this fact now. It doesn't help that I have nobody to turn to for releasing this guilt. Something about this experience feels morally wrong.
It has only been 28? hours since the incident and I still feel horrible.
I care about this individual on a human level, I am considering seeing her again just to talk to her and make sure what she's doing is not forced or coercion. I have had this internal debate with myself and feel like it's the morally right thing to do. I know it's all an act, but this experience has taught me that I care more about women on an emotional level than I do physical. And it hurts.
EDIT: I had a good cry in the shower. I realized I am not a perfect slate anymore, but nearly nobody is. Everybody has a past and history. We are in a world where sexual promiscuity is the norm. My upbringing has lead me to believe a clean slate is the only way in life.
