- Forum Clout
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I’m new to this community so hello everyone and I appreciate your advice. The issue is that my spouse’s weight is now well beyond concerning. I (36M) have been with my wife (36F) for five years. She was heavy when we met in mid-2019 (maybe 270# at about 5’4”) but was active, led a full life, and told me she wanted us to get healthier together (I’m a classic dadbod without the kids). I was all for it. But this was not to be.
A few months into our relationship (and just before COVID), my wife took a WFH job. This started the problem. Over the course of late 2019 to now, my wife has nearly doubled her weight. She went for her annual last week and weighed 511#. This is not an accident. She orders or picks up fast food 3-4 times per day. She snacks constantly while working her sedentary computer job. She doesn’t exercise. She barely leaves the house except to pick up food. Some days she works from our bed.
She tells me she’s not depressed or unhappy but she’s clearly uncomfortable. I won’t go into much detail, but the last six months have led to the following issues (non exhaustive list): we’ve traded cars since she can’t fit into her sedan but can my smaller SUV, she needs assistance with hygiene things, she’s purchased a walking cane and uses that when she needs to walk anywhere more than a few feet, she has edema in her legs and arms that’s getting worse, she can’t stand in the shower and needs a chair to bathe, she has a CPap and now sleeps basically sitting up, we moved her office from upstairs to downstairs because the stairs are an issue, and the list goes on. It goes without saying that our sex life has suffered.
About a month ago, we went to a wedding in her family and it was the first time she’d seen her parents and siblings for a couple of years. We met them outside to walk in together and say hello before things started. My wife was dressed up and looked great all things considered. But she had her cane and had probably gained 150# or more since she last saw them. I had to help her out of the car. To get into the venue, we had to walk across a small parking lot and then up 3-4 stairs, which drained her. Her mom was floored when she saw all of this and basically started crying once we sat down. I thought this may trigger my wife to examine her situation but she was apparently not bothered by her mom’s concern. It was our first big public outing in some time and I guess I hadn’t realized how taxing being that size (and being with someone her size and with her limitations) would be on the whole event. It SHOULD have been eye opening for her but alas…
I want to help her very badly but she’s sensitive and stubborn and doesn’t want to have “the conversation.” I’ve tried a few times over the years. She did tell me her doctor is very concerned. She’s going to get bloodwork to see if there’s a reason she’s gaining weight so quickly (beyond the 5-10k cals per day). I have no idea why none of this was done before. So maybe she’s starting to see a problem. My career is also a barrier to my ability to help as much as I’d like. Ironically, we have the money to support her bad habits (DINKs) but I’m often gone for days and/or working long hours, so I can’t physically be there and help/monitor like I might with a traditional 9-5. I also want to make sure that I say that she is the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met and I in no way want out. But I also don’t want to need a caretaker for a homebound spouse before we’re 40 (or at any time!) and we’re clearly headed in that direction.
So, folks who have had this issue in their lives, how do I go about gently but effectively confronting my wife about her weight and my worries about the dark places she’s headed if she doesn’t turn things around? Thanks to all of you.
A few months into our relationship (and just before COVID), my wife took a WFH job. This started the problem. Over the course of late 2019 to now, my wife has nearly doubled her weight. She went for her annual last week and weighed 511#. This is not an accident. She orders or picks up fast food 3-4 times per day. She snacks constantly while working her sedentary computer job. She doesn’t exercise. She barely leaves the house except to pick up food. Some days she works from our bed.
She tells me she’s not depressed or unhappy but she’s clearly uncomfortable. I won’t go into much detail, but the last six months have led to the following issues (non exhaustive list): we’ve traded cars since she can’t fit into her sedan but can my smaller SUV, she needs assistance with hygiene things, she’s purchased a walking cane and uses that when she needs to walk anywhere more than a few feet, she has edema in her legs and arms that’s getting worse, she can’t stand in the shower and needs a chair to bathe, she has a CPap and now sleeps basically sitting up, we moved her office from upstairs to downstairs because the stairs are an issue, and the list goes on. It goes without saying that our sex life has suffered.
About a month ago, we went to a wedding in her family and it was the first time she’d seen her parents and siblings for a couple of years. We met them outside to walk in together and say hello before things started. My wife was dressed up and looked great all things considered. But she had her cane and had probably gained 150# or more since she last saw them. I had to help her out of the car. To get into the venue, we had to walk across a small parking lot and then up 3-4 stairs, which drained her. Her mom was floored when she saw all of this and basically started crying once we sat down. I thought this may trigger my wife to examine her situation but she was apparently not bothered by her mom’s concern. It was our first big public outing in some time and I guess I hadn’t realized how taxing being that size (and being with someone her size and with her limitations) would be on the whole event. It SHOULD have been eye opening for her but alas…
I want to help her very badly but she’s sensitive and stubborn and doesn’t want to have “the conversation.” I’ve tried a few times over the years. She did tell me her doctor is very concerned. She’s going to get bloodwork to see if there’s a reason she’s gaining weight so quickly (beyond the 5-10k cals per day). I have no idea why none of this was done before. So maybe she’s starting to see a problem. My career is also a barrier to my ability to help as much as I’d like. Ironically, we have the money to support her bad habits (DINKs) but I’m often gone for days and/or working long hours, so I can’t physically be there and help/monitor like I might with a traditional 9-5. I also want to make sure that I say that she is the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met and I in no way want out. But I also don’t want to need a caretaker for a homebound spouse before we’re 40 (or at any time!) and we’re clearly headed in that direction.
So, folks who have had this issue in their lives, how do I go about gently but effectively confronting my wife about her weight and my worries about the dark places she’s headed if she doesn’t turn things around? Thanks to all of you.
