CUMIA BOOK
CHAPTER 3
This Is Gonna Hurt
---
My brother, Joe, and I could hear our parents laughing together.
The show was on past our bedtime, but Joe and I would try to sneak a peek to see what was so funny.
---
She mentioned Joe’s talent for being a musician.
CHAPTER 4
California
---
It was my summer vacation from school, and Joe and I drove cross-country with Dad in his new Pinto.
My brother and I were in the back seat with a cooler full of beer between us. I’d just wake up not knowing where we were or what time it was, soaking wet from this cooler. It was like a NASA test and Joe and I were the chimps.
---
Joe and I slept in sleeping bags on the floor, and most of our days on that vacation were spent in a bar.
---
We all were drunk, and my brother started making out with the Wyoming girl, and I tried to negotiate a payment plan with the prostitute for a hand job. It was just the strangest journey with the strangest people.
---The bus would stop to refuel, and my brother and I would look for bottles to recycle. We tried to scare up enough money to buy a sandwich or just bread. We finally got to Cheyenne, and this girl and my brother were so chummy by then that she decided to stay on the bus the whole way to NYC. Most guys can’t even get a girl to go for a beer run, and Joe had this broad going an extra seventeen hundred miles.
---
My brother had a knife, and the cop asked him why he had that. Joe explained that where we were living it was common for guys to carry one. The cop asked, “Where’s your bags?”
We told him they were still on the bus. He said he wanted to see our bags, and I had to stay while Joe retrieved the bags.
Meanwhile, it had dawned on me that Joe had brought back a bunch of Thai stick weed. Yes, living with my father had really helped straighten Joe out—not. If anything, I think he became savvier and better educated, with a better product. I was thinking there was a chance Joe wasn’t coming back, or he was going to get us popped. I just wanted to get back to my mom’s and eat some capicola for Christ’s sake.
When my brother went to get the bags, I was held as collateral until his return. I don’t know how he did it, but he got the girl from Wyoming to claim Joe’s bag was hers, and she had the bag with the weed in it. Joe brought back my bag, and we were in the clear.
CHAPTER 5
Back for Bad
---
We never paid rent even though the landlord was constantly trying to shake us down for it. My brother ended up staying there for a little while too and sold coke out of the house.
We’d have people banging on the door at all hours of the mornings with stereos, shit stolen from their relatives and, in a perfect world, cash to purchase blow from my brother.
CHAPTER 6
My Shot
---
During this time, I was constantly in bands with Joe. I was the front man, the lead vocalist. I always wanted to make it as a musician, but I wasn’t delusional.
---
My brother would bring his acoustic guitar, and my other friend would have a small drum kit. We’d go out to where my parents would hang out with all their friends at Watch Hill, down on Fire Island.
---
At that point, my brother and I had been doing pretty well with the band thing. We weren’t making a lot of money but were making a buzz around town. We both still did our day jobs to pay the bills but were also gigging regularly around New York. My brother was the real go-getter in this whole operation. I was a lazy fuck. Joe was the guy who was motivated to do shit.
---
So Joe sent the O. J. parody out to several radio stations in Connecticut, New Jersey, Long Island, and NYC.
---
Finally, my brother and I were going to the studio to perform live. I would sing and Joe would accompany me on guitar.
---
So, we went to WBAB and performed live. We hit it out of the park!
CHAPTER 7
The Boston Party
---
My brother, Joe, said to me at one point, “So you’re gonna fucking play around on the radio when you have something really great here with the band?” I still goof on him about that! There’s nothing better than when you can turn the screw on your older brother like that. “Oh really, Joe?” Joe obviously knew very quickly that I had made the right decision.
CHAPTER 20
In the Closet
---
I noticed there was something going on between Jill and me, and it was more than just a girl trying to get publicity. I thought she was liking this, and then I remembered feeling the same thing about a stripper at the Snatch Trap when I was kid with a handful of money. I knew it was the stripper’s job, but I thought she liked me. Then I realized the reality after my money ran out and this broad started dry-humping my brother.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
---
This includes my mom, my brother Joe and my sister Dawn.
CHAPTER 3
This Is Gonna Hurt
---
My brother, Joe, and I could hear our parents laughing together.
The show was on past our bedtime, but Joe and I would try to sneak a peek to see what was so funny.
---
She mentioned Joe’s talent for being a musician.
CHAPTER 4
California
---
It was my summer vacation from school, and Joe and I drove cross-country with Dad in his new Pinto.
My brother and I were in the back seat with a cooler full of beer between us. I’d just wake up not knowing where we were or what time it was, soaking wet from this cooler. It was like a NASA test and Joe and I were the chimps.
---
Joe and I slept in sleeping bags on the floor, and most of our days on that vacation were spent in a bar.
---
We all were drunk, and my brother started making out with the Wyoming girl, and I tried to negotiate a payment plan with the prostitute for a hand job. It was just the strangest journey with the strangest people.
---The bus would stop to refuel, and my brother and I would look for bottles to recycle. We tried to scare up enough money to buy a sandwich or just bread. We finally got to Cheyenne, and this girl and my brother were so chummy by then that she decided to stay on the bus the whole way to NYC. Most guys can’t even get a girl to go for a beer run, and Joe had this broad going an extra seventeen hundred miles.
---
My brother had a knife, and the cop asked him why he had that. Joe explained that where we were living it was common for guys to carry one. The cop asked, “Where’s your bags?”
We told him they were still on the bus. He said he wanted to see our bags, and I had to stay while Joe retrieved the bags.
Meanwhile, it had dawned on me that Joe had brought back a bunch of Thai stick weed. Yes, living with my father had really helped straighten Joe out—not. If anything, I think he became savvier and better educated, with a better product. I was thinking there was a chance Joe wasn’t coming back, or he was going to get us popped. I just wanted to get back to my mom’s and eat some capicola for Christ’s sake.
When my brother went to get the bags, I was held as collateral until his return. I don’t know how he did it, but he got the girl from Wyoming to claim Joe’s bag was hers, and she had the bag with the weed in it. Joe brought back my bag, and we were in the clear.
CHAPTER 5
Back for Bad
---
We never paid rent even though the landlord was constantly trying to shake us down for it. My brother ended up staying there for a little while too and sold coke out of the house.
We’d have people banging on the door at all hours of the mornings with stereos, shit stolen from their relatives and, in a perfect world, cash to purchase blow from my brother.
CHAPTER 6
My Shot
---
During this time, I was constantly in bands with Joe. I was the front man, the lead vocalist. I always wanted to make it as a musician, but I wasn’t delusional.
---
My brother would bring his acoustic guitar, and my other friend would have a small drum kit. We’d go out to where my parents would hang out with all their friends at Watch Hill, down on Fire Island.
---
At that point, my brother and I had been doing pretty well with the band thing. We weren’t making a lot of money but were making a buzz around town. We both still did our day jobs to pay the bills but were also gigging regularly around New York. My brother was the real go-getter in this whole operation. I was a lazy fuck. Joe was the guy who was motivated to do shit.
---
So Joe sent the O. J. parody out to several radio stations in Connecticut, New Jersey, Long Island, and NYC.
---
Finally, my brother and I were going to the studio to perform live. I would sing and Joe would accompany me on guitar.
---
So, we went to WBAB and performed live. We hit it out of the park!
CHAPTER 7
The Boston Party
---
My brother, Joe, said to me at one point, “So you’re gonna fucking play around on the radio when you have something really great here with the band?” I still goof on him about that! There’s nothing better than when you can turn the screw on your older brother like that. “Oh really, Joe?” Joe obviously knew very quickly that I had made the right decision.
CHAPTER 20
In the Closet
---
I noticed there was something going on between Jill and me, and it was more than just a girl trying to get publicity. I thought she was liking this, and then I remembered feeling the same thing about a stripper at the Snatch Trap when I was kid with a handful of money. I knew it was the stripper’s job, but I thought she liked me. Then I realized the reality after my money ran out and this broad started dry-humping my brother.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
---
This includes my mom, my brother Joe and my sister Dawn.
Last edited:
